"The Art of Open Sensuality"

A modern guide to careful
exploration of One's expanding
sexuality and sensuality
page #1 of 6

Written by: David & Tia
from October 2000 to July 2012

[this web site contains sexual content]



Our Mission Statement
Updated 7 / 2012

Why did we published this to the web?
We created this web site for those couples who are already looking into exploring relationship options; to expand that which they have created into something, more adding some spice to their relationship, yet may not be looking to take the same risks of an open relationship.  More does not have to mean more people, but also more intimacy between yourselves through learning more about each other.  Like more knowledge about your mate's secret desires and hang-ups that they may have feared to share with you.  Also learning more about yourself in the process. That cannot be done if you have not created the environment where they feel they can confide in you their most private thoughts without fear of judgment and condemnation.

Where did you get all this information?
These are not all from our own personal experience. We have garnered a lot of information and insights interviewing hundreds of people from those who have remained monogamous to those who had many open-relationship experiences.  Each of these people have helped to give life to these pages.  Personally we have been inactive in the 'lifestyle' since 2007, because it had proven to be not worth the trouble and drama that comes with it. These interactions, as well as our natural need to question 'why' has led us to publish this web site: an exploration into alternatives to strict monogamy.  It deals with activities as harmless as going to a strip club together, nudism, hot tubing with others in a clothing optional setting, to all the way into full on swinging, and even extreme fetishes.  Many people we've met had never consider the possibility it could be other than 'all-or-nothing'.  It does not worry us as much that these fears held them back from exploring. It is those who decided they had to dive in with both feet, and wound-up trashing their primary relationship, because of the fall-out of those experiences they were not prepared to handle.  It is not so easy to step back from all that and pretend it never happened. We have even suffered emotional scars that we are still recovering from. There is the old saying 'What does not kill you, makes you stronger', but are you prepared to pay this ultimate price? The cost of your relationship and all you've worked to build may very well be the price you'll have to pay. We've heard from many sources that swinging will only strengthen your relationship.  That may be true, but only if it survives. Don't think this is something that will not test the strength of your bond. That said:

What is our hammer?
This web site is designed to be written as impartial and un-biased as possible, but our primary goal with this web site is to preserve your primary relationship if you're considering some relationship options.  It is written mostly to those who are already in a long-term relationship.  We feel it is important to have mastered relationship skills before expanding your relationship. We are not here to sell you on a different way of life.  Our only aim is to paint a realistic picture of both sides to relationship alternatives: the good, the bad, and the ugly. So you can better talk about it between the two of you and decide for yourself what is best for your relationship.  To be more specific; this is not intended to convert couples into stepping beyond monogamy, or scare them enough to keep them from experimenting. You are going to do what you will. Perhaps these pages of information might help you go into this with a much better understanding and more careful caution. If nothing else; we would love to see infidelity stopped before it happens by opening up the lines of communication and trust. It would be better to know what is going on, even if it is not something you are comfortable with, than to discover betrayal.

Not to put this issue all on men, but it's a shame that more men cannot afford a 'Real Doll' made of silicone rubber to take those frustrations out on in a less destructive way.  They can know for a certainty that she will be plenty attractive, not be too picky, complain, or throw a fuss, for a safe sex alternative to maintaining a mistress.  Wouldn't that be cool! OK, I digress here, but our aim is to make a point.  We are dealing with real people after all.  A Wife or mistress is not like just a mechanical thing like car that would not complain, or have qualms coming back to you after stepping out on them.  That's kind of funny if you think about it; Swingers seem to be far less open to share their automobile with a close friend than they would be to share their mate with a complete stranger.  Are they so sure their mate will happily return with little to no damage?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions:
We find that for most people the idea of soft-play with regards to their boundaries has not only been a concept they had never considered, but that it is not a popular concept for those looking to expand their horizons.  They seem to be stuck on the 'All-or-Nothing' concept.  Or for them, what is the point if it is not going to go all the way? You may also find it hard to connect with others who share the same philosophy in the 'lifestyle' who will not challenge your resolve to stick to your boundries.  You'll find it's sort of like buying a car; where this is so overwhelming with all the choices to make for this very important decision and slick talking salesmen trying desperately to push you into something you did not plan to get, so be prepared that sticking to your resolve may not be nearly as easy as you had imagined.

For some people what works is to play separately, and not talk about what happened.  They feel it is easier for them if they do not have to face what is really going on.  You will find this very common, even in the polyamorous community.  This is a strategy that may work for the moment, but over time tension and resentments will most likely build to an unmanageable level, yet with no positive outlet established where can this go, but lead to destroy your relationship in the end. It is not an easy road to be open and honest about your experiences, but to stick your head in the sand will only lead to further distance and separation. What sort of relationship would that be? You would be less connected than business partners.

Power and Control:
A healthy balance in decision making should always be your goal, but it seems we may have yet to evolve to reach that possibility. In the lifestyle it has clearly shown to only work when there is a role reversal where the females are primarily in charge of what will or will not happen. With their men in the role of the negotiator, but completely subservient to his woman. He also needs to not harbor any disappointment, let alone resentment for what does or does not happen within an interaction, or it will be a sudden bust. Most any woman will quickly sense the slightest problem there and allow few interactions to happen after that point, since he's shown he cannot handle his role properly. Do not kid yourself. Be prepared to accept this as your new reality if you have any hope for this to work out.

As an example; in the BDSM community the dom only pretends to have the power and be in charge, but the sub is really the person in charge of what does or does not happen, or it is simply abuse. This lifestyle is a situation where the female must truly be in charge. It is very rare that a man can be the true dom and have the couple survive it. Maybe you are that rare man who will not get too carried away and be able to instinctively know just what she can handle?  Women hold their sexuality in a way most men will never be able to comprehend.  Sex for them holds far greater consequences, which they have had to live with their whole life.  It is all they have ever known and cannot escape it.  They tend to feel life and emotion in a way that few men will ever come close to knowing.

Aside from the children you may have together you both are individuals, but together you have created a third entity that you have given life to: your relationship. If a situation is not good for both of you, it cannot be good for either of you.  It would be wonderful to see equal balance in this achieved, but that may not be a possibility, but for only one couple in a thousand.  A drastic example would be where Third World Countries may have some serious human rights issues, and the US feels they cannot wait for them to evolve as we supposedly have, so they go the opposite route of just teaching and setting a good example with heaps of patience.  Instead they feel they must brutally force those societies to submit to their 'evolved ideals' of humanity and compassion. Do you see the hypocrisy here?  As men we exert as much control in the business world as we are able. Although, in our personal relationship we have failed to observe and learn, so now is the time to willingly submit, or suffer. 

What about Monogamy?
We honor and support the one-on-one relationship, and feel the state of monogamy is a viable relationship option, when done with genuine care, love, and open honesty (see: Relationships Skills).  And we also feel if done well some alternative connections can be beneficial, as well as stimulating for a couple. Like just having friends over for a harmless dinner party and games.  Opening the door to other possible plutonic relationships, so we do not feel completely confined in our primary relationship. Although, history has shown these sort of harmless encounters have often led to adultery. But who wants to be totally cut off from the world outside the couple dynamics? Reality is we wind up living serial monogamy with loads of collateral damage in our wake. Religion has clearly failed to solve these issues, and in many cases has led to more of disastrous encounters, so what are we to do when the odds are stacked against us?

What about Swingers?
We personally feel that starting out with full intercourse swinging with relative strangers is very reckless, dangerous, and fool hardy for a couple who is new to exploring relationship options.  We have observed that sort of wild abandon tear apart many a marriage, and suffer a great deal of collateral damage in the process. We are not saying it could not work out for you, but are you willing to take that risk to pay the ultimate price for a little fun that is most likely not going to be nearly as fun and satisfying as the fantasy of it? Trust me on this; the reality virtually never measures up to what you may have pictured this to be in your head.

This may sound strange, but the most common problem you'll face is impotence. Even within men who normally do not suffer from failure to perform. Much like while filming a porn scene it is much harder than you could imagine to get and stay hard. Even if you are able to have a good encounter think of how it will turn out when your mate runs into this issue, and their encounter was not to good.  (keep in mind our primary goal with this web site is to preserve your primary relationship, if considering relationship options, and it should be your primary goal though this as well.)

What are you suggesting?
Most couples seem to think there is only one other alternative to monogamy.  They think that jumping into the world of full on swinging is the only alternative.  There are many varying degrees or boundaries to set: from as tame as a snuggle party, where it's clearly stated how all the participants are to keep their clothes on (see lovetibe.org).  There are several online groups promoting couples who want to maintain the boundaries of soft-swinging, where intercourse is not the goal of an encounter. Where after things get heated up couples can reconnect with their own mate to finish off the evening right.  There is also polyamoury, where starting off by dating another person or even another couple together is the goal for an addition to your long-term relationship
(see: finding the unicorn).  And of course there are hundreds of places on the web to seek connections with those who are looking to get wild and crazy with married strangers, but I'd like to think we do not need to tell you what a train-wreck that would lead to. If you are willing to shell out some cash there is the world of professional escorts, where you can set the boundaries and know this other person will go away when your are done with them. Try to remember the reality will rarely if ever measure up to the fantasy, but if fantasy is not enough there are some relatively safe alternatives to consider. Be creative.

Basic Risks?
You should have reservations about taking an alternative relationship further into sexual intercourse. Even oral sex is not safe sex.  It may cost all you have worked to building a life together with your mate, not to mention what you had hoped to achieve later on down the road. Most people do not consider the collateral damage that reaches far beyond the risks they had imagined possible.   Once you have made a good connection and even bonded with another couple, maybe then you could better handle the drama and risk of intercourse outside your marriage.  It may certainly have it's dangers and pitfalls, but what relationship doesn't? Beside the health risks you'll face, can you imagine how it would play out if another woman were to get pregnant from an encounter? What if you have to wonder who the Father is of the new life swelling within your womb? Keep in mind how life is unpredictable and issues will come up that you had not considered. How will you two deal with them? Will both of you be able to handle what ever will come up. Even if your relationship does survive what physical and emotional scars will you have to heal from many years afterwards? 

What's a good qualifier for a new sexual partner?
You will be making an emotional connection with this other person. We don't like to think about how this will turn out when things go bad, but they most likely will go bad eventually, and it could go oh so terribly bad. Like in the hit movie Fatal Attraction. That may be a bit extreme, but think about how other relationship of your's had ended. Sorry to be such a downer. I know how just leaping into a new relationship is fun and exciting, but we need to consider the fallout at the end of that relationship before making these connections, because you're a fool to think this is all going to turn out just fine. That is a fantasy you may not be able to afford.

Not that you should actually sign this new person onto your checking account before intercourse, but just as a mental qualifier; do you know and trust this person enough to handle your money or credit rating?  Because you are trusting them with a whole lot more than that. Even to have just oral sex with you is risky, since you are still at risk of life threatening diseases. Make no bones about it!

Are we ready for this?
Casual sex is usually very exciting, but we see that if we as a society are to evolve and figure out how to do things well. Short of hiring a professional Escort, we need to learn to stop treating other people as fantasy objects we can so easily discard when we are done with them.  We may not want to be stuck in a bad situation, but in any encounter we would not appreciate being used and discarded like that, so we should not do that to others.  Until we learn to truly care for one another we do not see how it can ever work for such intimate interactions between just two people.  For many, it would be best to not have explored an open relationship in the first place if they are not ready, and may not be in this life time.  We all need to first work towards mastering one-on-one relationship skills before taking this to higher levels of complexity. As yourself; have I mastered relationship skills and ready for more? Is my partner also just a s skilled? How will we handle problems as they arise? Problems we could not have anticipated? Be prepared for the unexpected, for these will be what you are likely to face.

Why so much depressing caution?
We know thinking about all these pitfalls if no fun, but we do caution those who have yet to experiment with any sort of open relationship options, as it will complicate your life in ways you could not have imagine possible.  It may shake the very foundation of your relationship. Even if you feel it is as solid as they come.  Our curiosity into this has been something we regret in many ways.  It was hardly worth the cost, time, disappointments, and turmoil we have suffered.  If you are not sure about this, or run into complications, please allow yourselves the time off to work it out and sort through your thoughts and feelings. Be prepared to take even years off, or never return to this open lifestyle.

With all these cautions why should we even consider going there?
We feel there are good reasons to explore these options, if only results in nothing more than talk of your fantasies, such as:
(a) to learn more about yourself, and your partner. If you think you are in love, yet you do not really know your primary partner, you are in love with an illusion plain and simple.
(b) to relax some of the restrictive confines of what society would deem appropriate behavior in a relationship with mutual agreements.
(c) to share and delight in the broader expressions of
love and affection we feel compelled to express outside strict monogamy.  

What you read here may aid in avoiding the ever present problems of cheating, serial monogamy, and/or stagnation of your current sex life.  Hopefully these web pages will inspire you both to take the time to think over your relationship, and better discover what the bond you share means to both of you.  Hopefully you can both honestly communicate about your deepest desires and the possible options available to you 'together'.  We would hope for you to be a little smarter about such decisions through education, open honest communication, and a deep respect for your mate's needs and feelings before diving in and shredding your relationship. Take time to sort through these thoughts before opening that door. This time can be more fun and exciting than the time you'll spend after that door has been opened, so savor it before it's too late. try not to rush into anything.

What about about us?
We feel such a close connection to each other we consider us Soulmates. This web site does not necessarily reflect our personal boundaries or how active we are in any sort of open-relationship.  That information is something we keep private to ourselves, for discretion is key here.  We may tell more (excluding any names of course) to those few people we may choose to share with on a more one-to-one basis.  But certainly not here on the web for just anyone to read.

Who are you to tell the world about relationships?
We would only hope for this web site to help you be a little wiser and safer about your approach to these alternative connections you may discover. You'll be the judge if there is any value of what we have written here.  We do not claim to be the authority on healthy relationships. We only hope to help you maintain, if not strengthen your bond of love, compassion, and understanding of one-another's true self.

If this information does nothing more than inspire a good deal of insightful talk and a better understanding between the two of you, we feel we have succeeded here.  That is truly all we really hope for from all this.  There is no financial gain for us, so your written comments is our only direct pay-off for the effort we put into this site.  Feel free to click on our picture above to write us a note with either questions, praise, and/or constructive criticism.

Click on the couple below to go onto Page #2 if you dare

Why Should We Consider Any of This?


Quick links to the different topics on this subject:

Page #1 (this page)
Our Mission Statement

Sexual Desire
Relationship Healing Solutions

Page #2
Why Should We Consider Any of This?
Are You Ready for Any of This?
Monogamy As a Reality?
What is Soft-Swinging or Soft-Polyamory?
Ethics & Honesty
Working Out Your Issues

Page #3
Communication, Communication, Communication
Your Boundaries and Comfort Levels
Setting the Boundaries
Essential Criteria

Page #4
What Are Some Advantages to This Lifestyle?
What Are Some Common Disadvantages?

What Preparation Are Needed
How to Meet People

Page #5
The Fantasy of Finding that Single Bi-Female
What Kind of Couples are We Likely Encounter?
Dealing with Full-Swingers
Behavior During an Interaction

Page #6
Oral Sex
Tips for the Men  &  Tips for the Women
Having and Using Your Voice
What Brought Us to This Sort of Thinking?





Back to our Philosophy Pages


To Copper-By-Design.