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Our Mission Statement
Updated 2/20/07
Why did we published this to the web?
We created this web
site for
those couples who are already looking into exploring relationship options, to expand that which they have created into something more. More does not
have to mean
more people, but also more intimacy between yourselves through learning more about
each other. Like; more knowledge about your mate and their hang-ups that they may have feared to share with
you in the past. Also learning more about yourself in the process.
We
also have garnered a lot of information and insights from interviewing many people who have
remained monogamous or had
open-relationship experiences.
Each of these people have helped to give life to these pages. These interactions, as well as
our natural need to question 'why' has led us to
publish this web site: an exploration into alternatives
to strict monogamy and the different options. It deals with activities as
harmless as going to a strip club together, nudism, or hot tubing
with others in a clothing optional setting. Or all the way to full on swinging
and extreme fetishes. Many people we have met did not consider the
possibility that it could be anything other than 'All-or-Nothing'. It does
not worry us as much that these fears held them back from exploring. It is those
who decided they had to dive in with both feet, and wound-up trashing their
primary relationship with the fall-out of those experiences they were not
prepared to handle. It is not so easy to step back from that and pretend
it never happened. There is the old saying that 'What does not kill you, makes
you stronger'. You will hear from many sources that swinging will only
strengthen your relationship. That may be true, if it survives. Don't
think this is something that will not test the strength of your bond like
nothing else can. That said:
What is our hammer?
This web site is designed to be written as impartial and
un-biased as possible. It is written mostly to those who are already in a
long-term relationship. We are not here to sell you on a way of life, either
way. Our only aim is to paint a realistic picture of both sides to relationship
alternatives, the good and the bad. So that you can better talk about it between
the two of you and better decide for yourself
what is best for your relationship. To be more specific; this is not intended to convert couples
into stepping beyond monogamy, or scare them enough to keep them from
experimenting.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.
We find that for many people the idea of
soft-play with regards to their boundaries has not only been a concept that they
had never considered, but that it is also not a popular concept for those
looking to expand their horizons. They seem to be stuck on the
'All-or-Nothing' concept. Or for them, what is the point if it is not
going to go all the way? It is certainly a lot easier decision to either be in
the lifestyle or not. It is like buying a car, where it is so overwhelming
for many people, with all the choices out there for this very important decision
to make.
For some people that works. They play
separately and do not want to talk about it. They do not want
to think about what is really going on. You will find this
very common even in the polyamorous community. This is s
strategy that works the moment, but over time tension and
resentments will build to an unmanageable level, and there is no
positive outlet established. Not to put this issue all on
women, but it is a shame
that more men cannot afford to buy one of those 'Real Dolls' made of
silicone rubber, to take and share at a swing party. They can
know for a certainty that she will be plenty attractive and not be
too picky, complain, or throw a fuss. >LOL< They could
throw big 'Real Doll Parties'. Wouldn't that be cool!
OK, I digress here, and we are guilty of being
less than un-biased here. But our aim is to make a point.
We are dealing with real people after all. It's not just a
mechanical car that would not complain in the least, and have no
qualms coming back to you. That's kind of funny if you think
about it; Swingers seem to have far less openness to share their
automobile with close friends, let along complete strangers for some
reason? Are they so sure that their mate will happily come
back, with little to no damage?
A healthy balance in decision making is always
the best goal, but it seems we have yet to evolve to reach that
possibility. The lifestyle has shown to only work with the females
primarily in charge of what will or will not happen, with the men
perhaps as the negotiators, but completely subservient to their
female. He also needs to not harbor disappointment, let alone
resentment for what does or does not happen. Most any woman will
sense the slightest problem there and cause few interactions to
happen, since he cannot handle his role properly.
In the BDSM community the dom only pretends to
be in charge, but the sub is really the person in charge, or it is
simply abuse. This lifestyle is a situation where the female must
truly be in charge though. It is very rare that a man can be the dom
and have the couple survive it. Maybe you are that rare man who will
not get too carried away? Women hold their sexuality in a way
most men will never be able to comprehend. Sex for them holds
far greater consequences that they have had to live with their whole
life. It is all they have ever known and cannot escape.
They feel life and emotion in a way that few men will ever come
close to knowing.
Aside from any children you may have, you both
are individuals, but together you have created a third entity that
you have given life to; your relationship. If a situation is not
good for both of you, it cannot be good for either of you. It
would be wonderful to see equal balance in this achieved, but that
may not be a possibility for you. A drastic example would be
where Third World Countries have some serious human rights issues,
and the US feels that they cannot wait for them to evolve, so they
go the opposite route of teaching and setting a good example.
Instead they feel they must brutally force those societies to submit
to their evolved ideals of humanity and compassion. As men, we
have failed to observe and learn, so now is the time to willingly
submit, or suffer. Time is running out.
Here are some of
the options and their advantages and disadvantages, beyond the
obvious.
What about Monogamy?
We
honor and support the one-on-one relationship, and feel the state of monogamy is a
viable relationship option, when done with genuine care, love, and honesty (see:
Relationships
Skills). And we also feel if done right, some alternative
connections can be beneficial as well as stimulating for a couple. Opening
the door to other possibilities, so we do not feel completely confined in a
relationship.
What about Swingers?
We do
personally feel that starting out with full intercourse swinging with relative
strangers is very reckless, dangerous, and fool hardy for a couple who is new to
exploring relationship options. We have observed that sort of wild abandon
tear apart many a marriage. Our primary goal with
this web site is to preserve your primary relationship, if considering some
relationship options.
What are you suggesting?
Most couples seem to think there is only one
other alternative to monogamy. They think that jumping into the world of
full on swinging is the only alternative. There are many varying degrees
and set boundaries, from a tame snuggle party, where is is stated that all the
participants are to keep their clothes on (see lovetibe.org).
There are several online groups promoting couples who want to maintain the
boundaries of soft-swinging,
so that intercourse is not the goal of an encounter, and when things get too
heated up, they can reconnect with their own mate to finish off the
evening. There is polyamoury, where starting off dating another person or
even couple is the goal, for an addition to your long-term relationship
(see:
finding
the unicorn). And of course there
are thousands of places on the web to seek connections with those who are
looking to get wild and crazy with married strangers.
Basic Risks?
We have some reservations about taking an alternative relationship further into
sexual intercourse. When
it cost you all you have worked for to build a life together with your mate, not
to mention what you had hoped to achieve later on down the road.
Once you have made a good connection and even bonded with another couple, maybe
then you could better handle the drama and risk of intercourse outside your
marriage.
It may certainly have it's dangers and pitfalls, but what relationship doesn't?
(We have been sexually adventurous since early 1999, but have yet to find one
other person we can connect with where we chose to take it to a more personal
level and sex).
What's a good qualifier for a sexual
partner?
Not that you need to actually sign this other person onto
your checking account, but as a mental qualifier; do you know and trust this person enough to
handle your money or credit cards? Because you are trusting them with a
whole lot more than that, even to have protected oral sex with you,
since you are still risking very serious and life threatening disease.
Make no bones about it!
Are we ready for this?
Casual sex is usually very exciting, but we see that if we as a society are to evolve and
figure out how to do things well, we need to
learn to stop treating other people as objects, that are easily discarded. We may not want
to be stuck in a bad situation, but in a pleasant encounter, we would not
appreciate being used and discarded, so we should not do that to others.
Until we learn to truly care for one another, we do not see how it can ever work
for such intimate interactions between just two people. For many, it would be best to not have
explored with an open relationship in the first place, for they are not ready,
and may not be in this life time. We all need to first work towards
mastering one-on-one relationship skills.
Caution?
We do caution those who have yet to experiment with any
sort of open relationship options, as it will complicate your life in ways you are not
likely to imagine possible. It may shake the very foundation of your relationship.
Even if you feel it is as solid as they come. Our
curiosity into this has been something we regret in some ways. It was
hardly worth the cost, time, disappointments, and turmoil we have suffered.
If you are not
sure about this, or run into complications, please allow yourselves the time off to work
out and sort through your thoughts and feelings. |
