Updated 7 / 2012
Why did we published this to
We created this web site for those couples
who are already looking into exploring relationship options; to expand
that which they have created into something, more adding some spice
to their relationship, yet may not be looking to take the same risks
of an open relationship. More does not
have to mean more people, but also more intimacy between yourselves
through learning more about each other. Like more knowledge about
your mate's secret desires and hang-ups that they may have feared to share with
you. Also learning more about yourself in the process.
That cannot be done if you have not created the environment where
they feel they can confide in you their most private thoughts
without fear of judgment and condemnation.
Where did you get all this
These are not all from our own personal
experience. We have garnered a lot of information and insights interviewing
hundreds of people from those who have remained monogamous to those
who had many open-relationship experiences.
Each of these people have helped to give life to these pages.
Personally we have been inactive in the 'lifestyle' since 2007,
because it had proven to be not worth the trouble and drama that
comes with it. These interactions, as well as our natural need to question 'why'
has led us to publish this web site: an exploration into
alternatives to strict monogamy. It deals with activities as
harmless as going to a strip club together, nudism, hot tubing
with others in a clothing optional setting, to all the way into full on
swinging, and even extreme fetishes. Many people we've met had never
consider the possibility it could be other than 'all-or-nothing'.
It does not worry us as much that these fears held them back from exploring.
It is those who decided they had to dive in with both feet, and wound-up
trashing their primary relationship, because of the fall-out of those experiences
they were not prepared to handle. It is not so easy to step back
from all that and pretend it never happened. We have even suffered
emotional scars that we are still recovering from. There is the old
saying 'What does not kill you, makes you stronger', but are you
prepared to pay this ultimate price? The cost of your
relationship and all you've worked to build may very well be the
price you'll have to pay. We've heard from
many sources that swinging will only strengthen your relationship.
That may be true, but only if it survives. Don't think this is something that
will not test the strength of your bond. That
What is our hammer?
This web site is designed to be written as impartial and
un-biased as possible, but our primary goal with this web site is to preserve your primary relationship if
you're considering some relationship options. It is written mostly to those who are already
in a long-term relationship. We feel it is important to have
mastered relationship skills before expanding your relationship. We are not here to sell you on a
different way of life. Our only aim is to paint a realistic
picture of both sides to relationship alternatives: the good, the
bad, and the ugly. So you can better talk about it between the two of you
and decide for yourself what is best for your relationship.
To be more specific; this is not intended to convert couples into stepping
beyond monogamy, or scare them enough to keep them from experimenting.
You are going to do what you will. Perhaps these pages of
information might help you go into this with a much better
understanding and more careful caution. If nothing else; we would love to see
infidelity stopped before it happens by opening up the lines of
communication and trust. It would be better to know what is going
on, even if it is not something you are comfortable with, than to
Not to put this issue
all on men, but it's a shame that more men cannot afford a 'Real Doll' made of silicone rubber to take those frustrations
out on in a less destructive way. They can know for a certainty that she will be
plenty attractive, not be too picky, complain, or throw a fuss, for
a safe sex alternative to maintaining a mistress. Wouldn't
that be cool! OK, I digress here, but our aim is to make a point. We are dealing with
real people after all. A Wife or mistress is not like just a mechanical
thing like car that would
not complain, or have qualms coming back to you after stepping out
That's kind of funny if you think about it; Swingers seem to be
far less open to share their automobile with a close friend than
they would be to share their mate with a
complete stranger. Are they so sure their mate will happily
return with little to no damage?
We find that for most people the idea of soft-play with regards
to their boundaries has not only been a concept they had never
considered, but that it is not a popular concept for those looking
to expand their horizons. They seem to be stuck on the 'All-or-Nothing'
concept. Or for them, what is the point if it is not going to
go all the way? You may also find it hard to connect with others who
share the same philosophy in
the 'lifestyle' who will not challenge your resolve to stick to your
boundries. You'll find it's sort of like buying a car; where
this is so overwhelming with all the choices to make for this
very important decision and slick talking salesmen trying desperately to
push you into something you did not plan to get, so be prepared that
sticking to your resolve may not be nearly as easy as you had
For some people what works is to play separately, and not talk about what happened. They feel it is easier for them
if they do not have to face what is really
going on. You will find this very common, even in the polyamorous
community. This is a strategy that may work for the moment, but over
time tension and resentments will most likely build to an unmanageable level,
with no positive outlet established where can this go, but lead to
destroy your relationship in the end. It is not an easy road to be
open and honest about your experiences, but to stick your head in
the sand will only lead to further distance and separation. What
sort of relationship would that be? You would be less connected than
Power and Control:
A healthy balance in decision making should always be
but it seems we may have yet to evolve to reach that possibility. In
it has clearly shown to only work when there is a role reversal
where the females are primarily in charge of what
will or will not happen. With their men in the role of the negotiator, but
completely subservient to his woman. He also needs to not harbor any
disappointment, let alone resentment for what does or does not happen
within an interaction, or it will be a sudden bust.
Most any woman will quickly sense the slightest problem there and
interactions to happen after that point, since he's shown he cannot handle his role properly.
Do not kid yourself. Be prepared to accept this as your new reality
if you have any hope for this to work out.
As an example; in the BDSM community the dom only pretends to
have the power and be in charge, but
the sub is really the person in charge of what does or does not
happen, or it is simply abuse. This
lifestyle is a situation where the female must truly be in charge.
It is very rare that a man can be the true dom and have the couple survive
it. Maybe you are that rare man who will not get too carried away
and be able to instinctively know just what she can handle?
Women hold their sexuality in a way most men will never be able to comprehend.
Sex for them holds far greater consequences, which they have had to live
with their whole life. It is all they have ever known and cannot
escape it. They tend to feel life and emotion in a way that few men will
ever come close to knowing.
Aside from the children you may have together you both are individuals,
but together you have created a third entity that you have given life
to: your relationship. If a situation is not good for both of you, it
cannot be good for either of you. It would be wonderful to see
equal balance in this achieved, but that may not be a possibility,
but for only one couple in a thousand. A drastic example would be where Third World Countries
some serious human rights issues, and the US feels they cannot
wait for them to evolve as we supposedly have, so they go the opposite route of just teaching and
setting a good example with heaps of patience. Instead they feel they must brutally force
those societies to submit to their 'evolved ideals' of humanity and compassion.
Do you see the hypocrisy here?
As men we exert as much control in the business world as we are
able. Although, in
our personal relationship we have failed to observe and learn, so now is the time to willingly
submit, or suffer.
What about Monogamy?
We honor and support the one-on-one relationship, and feel
the state of monogamy is a viable relationship option, when done with
genuine care, love, and open honesty (see:
And we also feel if done well some alternative connections can be
beneficial, as well as stimulating for a couple. Like just having
friends over for a harmless dinner party and games. Opening the door
to other possible plutonic relationships, so we do not feel completely confined in
our primary relationship.
Although, history has shown these sort of harmless encounters have often led to
adultery. But who wants to be totally cut off from the world outside
the couple dynamics? Reality is we wind up living serial monogamy
with loads of collateral damage in our wake. Religion has clearly
failed to solve these issues, and in many cases has led to more of
disastrous encounters, so what are we to do when the odds are
stacked against us?
What about Swingers?
We personally feel that starting out with full intercourse
swinging with relative strangers is very reckless, dangerous, and fool
hardy for a couple who is new to exploring relationship options.
We have observed that sort of wild abandon tear apart many a marriage,
and suffer a great deal of collateral damage in the process. We are
not saying it could not work out for you, but are you willing to
take that risk to pay the ultimate price for a little fun that is
most likely not going to be nearly as fun and satisfying as the
fantasy of it? Trust me on this; the reality virtually never
measures up to what you may have pictured this to be in your head.
This may sound strange, but the most common problem you'll face
is impotence. Even within men who normally do not suffer from
failure to perform. Much like while filming a porn scene it is much
harder than you could imagine to get and stay hard. Even if you are
able to have a good encounter think of how it will turn out when
your mate runs into this issue, and their encounter was not to good.
(keep in mind our primary goal with this web site is to preserve
your primary relationship, if considering relationship options, and
it should be your primary goal though this as well.)
What are you suggesting?
Most couples seem to think there is only one other
alternative to monogamy. They think that jumping into the
world of full on swinging is the only alternative. There are
many varying degrees or boundaries to set: from as tame as a snuggle party, where it's
clearly stated how
all the participants are to keep their clothes on
There are several online groups promoting couples who want to maintain
the boundaries of
where intercourse is not the goal of an encounter. Where after things
get heated up couples can reconnect with their own mate to finish
off the evening right. There is also polyamoury, where starting off
another person or even another couple together is the goal for an addition to your long-term
the unicorn). And of course there are
hundreds of places on the web to seek connections with those who are
looking to get wild and crazy with married strangers, but I'd like
to think we do not need to tell you what a train-wreck that would
lead to. If you are willing to shell out some cash there is the
world of professional escorts, where you can set the boundaries and
know this other person will go away when your are done with them.
Try to remember the reality will rarely if ever measure up to the
fantasy, but if fantasy is not enough there are some relatively safe
alternatives to consider. Be creative.
You should have reservations about taking an alternative relationship
further into sexual intercourse. Even oral sex is not safe sex.
It may cost all you have
worked to building a life together with your mate, not to mention
what you had hoped to achieve later on down the road. Most people do
not consider the collateral damage that reaches far beyond the risks
they had imagined possible. Once you have made a good
connection and even bonded with another couple, maybe then you could
better handle the drama and risk of intercourse outside your
marriage. It may certainly have it's dangers and pitfalls, but
what relationship doesn't? Beside the health risks you'll face, can
you imagine how it would play out if another woman were to get
pregnant from an encounter? What if you have to wonder who the
Father is of the new life swelling within your womb? Keep in mind
how life is unpredictable and issues will come up that you had not
considered. How will you two deal with them? Will both of you be
able to handle what ever will come up. Even if your relationship
does survive what physical and emotional scars will you have to heal
from many years afterwards?
What's a good qualifier for
a new sexual partner?
You will be making an
emotional connection with this other person. We don't like to think
about how this will turn out when things go bad, but they most
likely will go bad eventually, and it could go oh so terribly bad.
Like in the hit movie Fatal Attraction. That may be a bit extreme,
but think about how other relationship of your's had ended. Sorry to
be such a downer. I know how just leaping into a new relationship is
fun and exciting, but we need to consider the fallout at the end of
that relationship before making these connections, because you're a
fool to think this is all going to turn out just fine. That is a
fantasy you may not be able to afford.
Not that you should actually sign this
new person onto your checking account before intercourse, but just as a mental qualifier;
do you know and trust this person enough to handle your money or credit
rating? Because you are trusting them with a whole lot more than
that. Even to have just oral sex with you is risky, since you are
still at risk of life threatening diseases. Make
no bones about it!
Are we ready for this?
Casual sex is usually very exciting, but we see that if we
as a society are to evolve and figure out how to do things well.
Short of hiring a professional Escort, we
need to learn to stop treating other people as fantasy objects we
can so easily
discard when we are done with them. We may not want to be stuck in a bad situation, but
in any encounter we would not appreciate being used and discarded
so we should not do that to others. Until we learn to truly care
for one another we do not see how it can ever work for such intimate
interactions between just two people. For many, it would be best
to not have explored an open relationship in the first place if
they are not ready, and may not be in this life time. We all need
to first work towards mastering one-on-one relationship skills
before taking this to higher levels of complexity. As yourself; have
I mastered relationship skills and ready for more? Is my partner
also just a s skilled? How will we handle problems as they arise?
Problems we could not have anticipated? Be prepared for the
unexpected, for these will be what you are likely to face.
Why so much depressing caution?
With all these cautions why should
we even consider going there?
know thinking about all these pitfalls if no fun, but we do
caution those who have yet to experiment with any sort of open relationship
options, as it will complicate your life in ways you could not have imagine possible. It may shake the very foundation of your
relationship. Even if you feel it is as solid as they come. Our
curiosity into this has been something we regret in many ways.
It was hardly worth the cost, time, disappointments, and turmoil we
have suffered. If you are not sure about this, or run into complications,
please allow yourselves the time off to work it out and sort through your
thoughts and feelings. Be prepared to take even years off, or never
return to this open lifestyle.
We feel there are good reasons to explore these options, if only
results in nothing more than talk of your fantasies, such as:
(a) to learn more about yourself, and your partner. If you think
you are in love, yet you do not really know your primary partner,
you are in love with an illusion plain and simple.
(b) to relax some of the restrictive confines of what society would deem appropriate behavior in a relationship
with mutual agreements.
to share and delight in the broader expressions of
love and affection we feel compelled to express outside strict monogamy.
What you read here may aid in avoiding the ever present problems
of cheating, serial monogamy, and/or stagnation of your current sex
life. Hopefully these web pages will inspire you both to take
the time to think over your relationship, and better discover what the
bond you share means to both of you. Hopefully you can both honestly
communicate about your deepest desires and the possible options available
to you 'together'. We would hope
for you to be a little smarter about such decisions through education,
open honest communication, and a deep respect for your mate's needs
and feelings before diving in and shredding your relationship. Take
time to sort through these thoughts before opening that door. This
time can be more fun and exciting than the time you'll spend after
that door has been opened, so savor it before it's too late. try not
to rush into anything.
about about us?
We feel such a close connection
to each other we consider us Soulmates.
This web site does not necessarily reflect our personal boundaries or
how active we are in any sort of open-relationship. That
information is something we keep private to ourselves, for discretion
is key here. We may tell more (excluding
any names of course) to those few people we may choose to share
with on a more one-to-one basis. But certainly not here on the
web for just anyone to read.
Who are you to tell the world
We would only hope for this web site to help you be a little wiser
and safer about your approach to these alternative connections you may
discover. You'll be the judge if there is any value of what we
have written here. We do not claim to be the authority on healthy relationships.
We only hope to help you maintain, if not strengthen your bond of love,
compassion, and understanding of one-another's true self.
If this information does nothing more than inspire a good deal of
insightful talk and a better understanding between the two of you, we
feel we have succeeded here. That is truly all we really hope
for from all this. There is no financial gain for us, so your
written comments is our only direct pay-off for the effort we put into
this site. Feel free to click on our picture above to write us
a note with either questions, praise, and/or constructive criticism.