"The Art of Open Sensuality"

A modern guide to careful
exploration of One's expanding
sexuality and sensuality
page #5 of 6

Written by: David & Tia

[this web site contains sexual content)




 So, one or both of you may wonder if you are bi-sexual.  It is far more common than you might think.  The Media is careful to steer clear of this topic, as it automatically implies that there is and open relationship.  Gay people can be very monogamous, so it is less of a threat.  They would like us to think that only the fringe freaks could be bi-sexual, but this is far from the case.  Many people find themselves attracted to their same gender.  Many are curious what it would be like to be intimate with another person of their gender.  You will find that well over half of the women in the lifestyle consider themselves either Bi-sexual or at least Bi-curious.

We cannot know if this is reflective of our society at large, but it should be.  Only those in this lifestyle are able to disclose this about themselves, even just to their mate.  I was with my Ex for 14 years and never felt I could tell him about it.

Well let’s discuss women and their bi-sexuality or curiosity towards it.  Do you find yourself attracted to women?  Do you see a beauty that makes you desire to touch or kiss women?  Are you curious as to what a female feels like and what it would be like to satisfy them sexually?

Being bi-sexual does not necessarily mean that you prefer women over men.  Quite the contrary, you may feel a balance in your desire between the two genders, or still find men to be your desired focus, with females as the proverbial icing on the cake.  Being Bi-sexual also does not mean that you will indiscriminately do anything with any female around who claims to be bi-sexual.  Just as you would most likely not begin groping and kissing any man you encounter.  It is normal to find some females you are attracted to and some that you are not.

Perhaps the term bi-sexual seems a little too much to put on yourself, yet you are not necessarily still curious about your bi-sexuality.  The term I find that most fit this middle ground is Bi-friendly.  On the Barbara Walters talk show: The View, they used the term 'Hetro-flexible'.  It states that you are open to certain bisexual activities, but not all of them, and only with the right women.  The degree that you want to interact with a woman is solely up to you.

 You should not perform for other people without being fully desirable of that situation.  You won't be doing anyone a favor, believe me.  Those you are with who would have you do this against your own desires, places their love for you in question, and the other woman could be insulted or hurt once she realizes you were not really into it.  Try to remember that other people do have feelings, even if they are good at concealing it.


When it comes to male Bi-sexuality or curiosity, this is a subject many people in the lifestyle have much more difficulty with.  It appears to be emerging a bit more over time, with this becoming more and more public.  Men are able to begin to explore pieces of who they are, those parts that were not allowed to be exhibited.  We have seen that men also qualify their bisexuality into the term Soft-Bi or Bi-friendly, in that they could find light touching to be stimulating and enjoyable by members of both genders. This may not necessarily include sexual touching that is derived for the purpose of orgasm, but that which is more sensual and appreciative in nature. You need not be the type of man who fantasizes about touching other men to be Bi-friendly.

Feel free to embrace your sexuality in all the degrees it presents itself to you. Try not to feel pressured to be something you are not. Be exactly what you feel you are, within a supportive and loving environment.  Just a s long as you keep it outside of the Ace of Hearts Club.  We have even had our posts to the on-line club deleted with this topic in the post.


The Fantasy of Finding that Single Bi-Female

Even if you do not fit in this category, you will encounter a lot of couples who are only looking to find a Bi-sexual female to play with.  They seem to think there are attractive single Bi-females looking to play with an older couple, no strings attached.  This is more a myth than a reality, but if you were to run across one of these living mythical creatures, you really think about it, you would probably do well to run, as they are very dangerous.   They may come bearing terrible viruses and head games that are not so apparent.  Life is simply not designed that simple.  There are many reasons this is not a good idea.

If you do fit in this category, you will continue to be very frustrated if you cling to this fantasy.  Anyone's fantasy person tends to not come with hang-ups, baggage, children, relatives, and long time friends who may serve as a great complication in all this, and blow the fantasy for you.

Other women, and even other couples are not to be seen as just play toys, discarded like a dirty tissue.  Much more care and respect needs to be shown than is commonly displayed out there in this lifestyle.  If you posses any healthy self-esteem, you are not likely to want to be treated this way, so why would you be so negligent and uncaring of others?  You would not want to be played like that, so make the connection in your mind, and do not violate others like this.  You should expect that these relationships will not be easy to have in your life.  Just like with your primary relationship, you will have many an issue that you will be responsible to work out. 

 If this is you, don't feel too bad, as most couples in this lifestyle seem to share this fantasy, but we have yet to find a couple who have found much of any success with this narrow minded goal.  When you get down to it, many couples with this Single Bi-female fantasy has a man who cannot handle seeing his lady with another man.  But if she were to brings another female into their bed, he is cool with that.  Simply speaking, the two of them are far from ready for this lifestyle, and should seek counseling.  Try to develop a more realistic goal for the two of you, with a better sense of equality and balance.

Single Men
You will how ever find a plethora of males out there, actively seeking couples to play with.  Some who are single, or some married men, looking to cheat with another couple, since there is no way to bring their wife into this double life.  Few couples seem to want anything to do with these men, but they will come in hoards, pestering you for attention.  A large reason couples will not have anything to do with these men, as I mentioned above, is that the husband’s issue with another man paying his wife such intimate attention.  If your man cannot handle seeing you with another man, you two are probably not ready for this lifestyle.  Fair is fair.  You need not grant him any more privilege or understanding than he is able to grant you.  If you do, this is likely to generate resentment in you, eventually.

We have been intimate with a few single men, but not one's we have met over the Net. We tend to get over a hundred IMs each month trying to get in her panties.  It is far too over whelming to sort through and focus on any one of them.  No one has the time to chat up all the guys out there that you are likely to encounter.  It gets very old, very fast.  You would do well to have a shortcut on your desktop to bring up a text file, so you can give a canned reply to these many pushy and seemingly ravenous guys.  Especially when they have not taken the time to fill out their Yahoo profile.  And in many cases have not take the time to even read your profile and ask the stupidest questions.   It will save you a lot of time to be able to just send them your canned responses.  Or you can just try to ignore them, but they may come back over and over again.  They are a determined bunch.

This is one reason why we exclude all singles in our Yahoo Group.  We do not want to discriminate between genders.  Besides, Soft-swinging does not apply well to being with singles, as you have your mate to be with, and finish off your night, but they are left wanting.  And even more importantly, if you try doing this separately, in any encounter with a single person, you are likely to get all worked up (if you are doing this the right way), and in the heat of the moment, you are both wanting to go all the way, what is to stop you?  That is one reason why we only will play together, since the risk of staying within our set boundaries is much easier than if we were to play separately. 

It is more complicated to find a good couple where you can all gel, but it is rewarding when it does come together.  There is a good sense of balance with other couples.


What Kind of Couples are We Likely to Encounter?

To make a connection with another worthwhile couple will take a good deal of investment through a great deal of time, effort, and careful communication.  The easy part is to blow them off when things get difficult.  It is far trickier to go the distance and make a connection happen, let alone last.  A lasting relationship should fruit you having some sexciting fun with them again and again, but this is more the rarity.

Unless both men are very virile pile drivers (very rare); another common issue is stamina that you will run into is male performance. This is not an issue you will hear much about in the lifestyle, but it is a very common issue. Whether or not you can perform, you will have little to no control with the other male being too small or not able to perform. They are not likely to share this info with you before the clothes are off. Even then they may lie about it. Without the little blue pill many men will find it hard to get erect because of nervousness, the unfamiliar situation, worries, and visual distractions. Very few men could be a porn star.

Many encounters will end abruptly after the real fun begins.  If you can get past this hurdle, there is the common issue of premature ejaculation, leading again to a lack of erection. You may be waiting to see that your wife is getting into it, and then find out it is over before you had a chance to get your condom on (no joke). In many encounter you will find that your only option is to be a 'Softswinger'.

Most couples you will encounter will seem very nice, and not too pushy.  They know that as soon as they are seen as too pushy, they will have fail with you, so they usually learn this part quickly.  Besides simple common sense, it doesn't take much to see what doesn't work, and not repeat those same mistakes.  There is a certain amount of assertiveness it takes to actually get something to happen.  It is much like dating as a single, if it seems that you are too desperate, it is likely to be a big turn off.  There is a fine art to working a balance of being 'Laid Back' and 'Clearly Interested'.  This does not mean being too difficult or hard to get.  From what we have seen, that sort of tactic will fruit you nothing.  Many couples you meet are bound to have a rather short attention span, since there are several other couples they are probably chatting up at the same time.

On-line connections in special target groups, like our Yahoo Group is a good ways to jump right into the meat of the conversation, and sidestep a lot of the mating dance, since you all know why you are there chatting.  In these target groups, you will already know that they are open to some sort of personal interaction along these lines.  The ice has already been broken, so to speak.  It is not like walking through a local mall and seeing a couple you find attractive, but have no clue as to how you could ever approach them for this type of interaction.  With this, feel free to cut right to the chase and be real and direct.

With any sort of swinging, there is a good chance that the primary focus is on a physical attraction, as opposed to your quality of character, ethics, or personality.  They may not be looking to add you to their life long relationship.  It is more a Poly-fidelitous viewpoint where a long term relationship is the focus.  This may seem vain and shallow, but there is not much more to this type of encounter than attraction, initially.  They may be selective enough to choose only couples they get along with, and may even want to develop some level of friendship, but they are likely to prize their private lives, (without you).  Keeping their primary focus on their marriage, family, and work.

This is why seeking secure couples is such a bonus, as when you are not so actively engaging them, they have a life of their own!   If you fit in this type of lifestyle, you too may find yourselves much this way.  Again, this may seems shallow, but until you decide to take it further with a very special couple, this is only a form of light safer intimate play.  There is no need to have such rigid criteria as you would have for choosing your life-mate.

As to exclusivity with a couple you may decide to play intimately with, in this lifestyle you are developing an ability to share your mate with others, why would you then get possessive over a couple you become intimate with.  Be happy for them when they find other good intimate playmates.  Again, this is an expression of real love, and not selfish possessiveness.

This attitude may also benefit you in that with repeat encounters with a couple, when the lines of communications are open, they are a lot more likely to inform you of what type of other couples they have been with and what they have been doing with them. With this information you will have a much better chance to make an informed choice of whether to continue to be intimate with them. This will be some of the most important decisions you will be making in this lifestyle.  As an example: they may have decided to start having unprotected sex with those other people.  If the intimacy between them and you involves an exchange of bodily fluids (even fingering), this could be very dangerous.  Do not close that door to communication with jealousy or intolerance.


You may encounter a lot of men who will claim that their wife is all into it, but what they are really doing is sharing pics of their wife or girlfriend (assuming they are not just pics he has collected off the Web) in order to garner nude pics of you.  If this is the case, there is no chance you will ever be able to talk on the phone, let alone ever meet them, since the wife does not have a clue as to what her man is doing over the Net.  Heck, he may not even live in your State.  If they are un-willing to both talk on the phone about this, so that you can hear her voice as well, fug-ged-a-bout-it!

We recommend you do not share dirty pics with them.  There is no requirement to share any dirty pics at all, unless that happens to be your fetish.  We find that anyone who refuses to meet you before they have seen nude pics are highly suspect.  A clear face shot is all we require.  Even that much you will find is hard to come by.  We even tell them up front that they need not be racy pics they share with us.

If they are wanting to send you lots of nude pics, that is fine, but until you see them in person, you have no clue that this really is them at all.  Once you send out pics over the Net, there is no telling where they may wind up.  I don't think you want your Brother-in-law coming over for Christmas dinner and telling you he saw your naked bodies on a porn web site.  They have whole Yahoo Groups dedicated to finding amateur nude pics in the different Yahoo profile briefcases.  I've seen it, and they had 50,000+ members!  They have these Pervs from all over the world who will post links to your profile if you have nudes there.  Yahoo does allow you to make a private folder to place such racy pics in.  You then have to type in their profile handle, or they cannot get in to see them, and you can remove them off the list at any time.


Dealing with Full-Swingers

Soft-swinging doesn't equal "we only swap with strangers sometimes."  We are pleased to hear that they are at least selective, but they are likely make Soft-swingers rather uneasy.  To be around those who have decided that full on swinging is a part of their chosen lifestyle can be titillating, but also intimidating.  We do not intend to exclude them in our on-line Yahoo interactive group that we host, as we are not your judge (unless you clearly post it on your profile), but if this is you, please respect people's wishes and comfort levels.  We want the couples that have chosen not to engage in intercourse with strangers to not have that choice challenged.  We want them to feel confident about their choice.

You will likely encounter plenty of couples who rave about Full-swinging, and from all appearances, they do seem to be having a grand'ol time.  But we fear if we were to go there, how would it be explained to our children, and even their children that we died young, simply because we had a little fun one night?  In some regards, we are jealous of those who are able to just go for it.  My prudish attitude may be one of the disadvantages of having been in the medical field I guess?  There are lots of other nasty things that a condom will not protect you from like Herpes and Hepatitis.


Behavior During an Interaction

It is important that when you go into an intimate encounter with another couple that you both desire to be involved with them. Do not go into such interactions for your partners sake.  This will not work out, as your disinterest will be felt by the others and the interaction will not be very rewarding for any one, unless they are people who simply do not give a shit. This is probably one of the most important reasons not to play on the first date, as there is so much pressure to play around for your partner’s sake, or not know what your partners desires are.  Wouldn't that be the pits if later you were to find out that they did not want to go there, but thought your did, so the also 'took on for the team'?

You may think you are giving your partner this great gift, but in the long run it is not such a treasure, since you both were not having as enjoyable a time (if your mate cares about you at all), and the other people will not feel it was good for them as well, since your heart was not into it.  I would hope they would never want to be just a 'mercy fuck', any more than you would?

Also, if you are new to this, try to establish (if you can), the parameters and hopes for such encounters. To just have this 'more experienced' couple call the shots, to show you the ropes, is not often wise, as you are likely to be getting into a lot more than you are ready for.  Be assertive and stick up for your ideals of how far you are willing to go.  Calling yourself a Soft-swinger does not mean that you are automatically cool with oral sex with people you just met.  It does not even mean that you are willing to be touched.  If you are only ready to hot tub and maybe exchange foot massages, that should be fine.  The people you meet are not likely to be qualified teachers.  They are just as fallible as you, and may not know what is best for themselves, let alone what is right for you at this point in your life. Don't place people on a pedestal.  Not even the two of us. We may be good at talking these ideals, but we still struggle with them just the same. 

Also, in an interaction, it is very common for men to have difficulty maintaining an erection. There is nothing to feel bad about, as there are such the distractions around you. Your mate may approach you and ask if it is her causing the problem, that she is not able to excite you enough?  Reassure her that she is not the problem.  In our case, I have little difficulty getting and keeping an erection for hours at a time while alone with her (that is part of the magic we share as Soulmates), but around others, I seem to not be a fourth as virile.  I simply explained to her, if it were reversed, I could see a major problem here, but it has nothing to do with her, and we are very fortunate our passions are what they are for each other, and not the other way around.  I do not feel I have to perform and put on a show for the other couple, so I do not stress it.  I just try to relax and have a pleasant time.




Click on the couple below to go onto Page #6 if you dare!

Oral Sex


Quick links to the different topics on this subject:

Page #1
Our Mission Statement

Sexual Desire
Relationship Healing Solutions

Page #2
Why Should We Consider Any of This?
Are You Ready for Any of This?
Monogamy As a Reality?
What is Soft-Swinging or Soft-Polyamory?
Ethics & Honesty
Working Out Your Issues

Page #3
Communication, Communication, Communication
Your Boundaries and Comfort Levels
Setting the Boundaries
Essential Criteria

Page #4
What Are Some Advantages to This Lifestyle?
What Are Some Common Disadvantages?

What Preparation Are Needed
How to Meet People

Page #5 (this page)
The Fantasy of Finding that Single Bi-Female
What Kind of Couples are We Likely Encounter?
Dealing with Full-Swingers
Behavior During an Interaction

Page #6
Oral Sex
Tips for the Men  &  Tips for the Women
Having and Using Your Voice
What Brought Us to This Sort of Thinking?






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