importance of this. Who do you know that can say they've mastered
relationship skills? If you are reading this and in need of help
with developing better relationship skills, you've most likely tried
and failed numerous approaches. To break old patterns that were
modeled for you by those who had raised you is now going to take
skilled assistance to guide you to a better understanding and
practice until it becomes a habit. The right habits, since what you
had been doing has not worked out so well.
Solutions to our
interactions with others take time, patience, and perseverance. If
not, what will you have a decade later if you do not begin those
steps in the right direction now? I know it is very hard to admit
things are not working, and seek help with something so important
and personal. There's a lot at stake. It is hard to find the help
that you can openly discuss anything since most people feel they
have a unique situation and may have such 'skeletons in the closet'
that they would be scared to share with a counselor. They cannot
help you unless you are able to be completely open and frank. You
cannot develop a healthy and thriving relationship founded on lies
and deception. You most likely have already formed a good deal of
distance and resentment between the two of you from years of
non-disclosure, for fear of what their reaction would be if they
knew all of whom you are and had done. Do you really believe that
beginning to be attentive and a few dozen roses will dissolve years
of gradual growing distance?
Many feel working to fix a
damaged relationship is fruitless. It's just easier to start all
over with a new person and a clean slate, but what will ever really
change? Other than the hope you will not screw things up the next
time. You cannot claim all the problems in that relationship was the
other person's fault. If you do, you have terribly limited your
potential growth. Are you likely to come clean about all of your
sordid past deeds and fantasies with this new partner within the
first few weeks? You're likely going to wait until the right time to
drop this bomb on them and continue to live the ruse in the
meantime. Then find there is not going to become that 'right time'
after having fostered such deception for so long. You only delude
yourself in thinking it might get easier. If you are not able to be
straight with them at the beginning, when is this moment for a clean
slate you fantasize about going to magically appear?
there are plenty of relationships that are not in a safe situation
where resolving these issues is a viable option. This is where an
impartial person can help work it out, or decide whether to make the
split and move on with your life, and growth is necessary at this
point. Instead of continuing that unhealthy relationship. Although,
you cannot escape yourself and how you end up repeating those same
patterns of codependency. Think of what example are you going to
teaching your children for their future relationships by continuing
a horrible situation for their sake? Do you want to teach them that
they need to stick it out for their kids, no matter how miserable
they are? Are you going to teach them how to develop the skills to
build a good healthy relationship and how to best work things out?
To someday teach these skills to their children; your grandchildren?
The bad cycle needs to stop with you, now. If you can become capable
of resolving these issues, if not for yourself, don't you owe it to
your children, or future children to show them there is hope? Even
for a relationship gone bad? If you are to split up after the kids
are out of the house, you have just destroyed their reality. All
they will know is that their life was a sham. They will no longer
know what was real or fake. They will have no basis for what to
expect in a relationship, other than pain and suffering to foster a
space of lies and deceit.
I feel there is hope in most
relationships. As long as there is a willingness on both parties to
do the hard work. It will take most all the courage you have to
suffer the fall-out and get through the healing process. If not,
what are your options? The benefits of a truly loving relationship
can be yours to experience. We are here to tell you that it does and
can exist, but it's not something that's just a quick fix when you
consider the habits and structured ideals you have had in place for
decades, if not generations. On a more global view, our society may
need a millennium to evolve. It all starts with your first step
This web site is to promote healthy relationships.
Not to give up all hope and abandon or futility. As a society, we
all need to develop some good relationship skills for effective
cohesive conflict resolution. We would love to see comprehensive
mandatory courses given in Public Schools for these skills. That
would be great if we could all learn how to love, long before
subjecting our children to our trial and error method of learning,
maybe then our people would develop into a more loving society and
we could all get along better.
As I said, this can only start
with each one of us personally doing the work to develop new skills
and better habits.
Something to consider:
* Do you really see your beloved each day,
or are they just expected to be there and seen as 'the other one'?
* Do you
delight in your mate's growth and development and encourage more
growth in them?
* Do you enjoy spending countless hours
talking about more than just current events?
* Have you been
completely honest with your mate; sharing your most private details
with them? Even things that you thought didn't need to be shared?
You may not think it was important, but that's not your call.
* Do you really
work through your conflicts, keeping in mind that you both need to
come out as winners through balanced compromise?
* Do you advocate
for your mate's personal advantage within a conflict?
* Do you find
pleasure in sharing hobbies with each other and support their
Do you support and derive joy in seeing your beloved find happiness
and fulfillment, even if it does not involve you?
* Do you desire or
make the time to be intimate together daily, or at least a few times
a week? Beyond just sex.
* Do you channel most of your sensual
desires toward your mate or elsewhere?
* Have you provided a safe environment for
your mate to process emotions and honestly share their most private
thoughts without fear of judgment or rejection?
* Do you truly know how your beloved feels
about you by providing a safe space for them to be that open and
honest with you?
* Do you know how your beloved would
answer these questions? If not, you have a lot to talk about.
here may have shaken you up and perhaps disrupted your life, but we
wish you well where ever your path takes you. We do not know you,
and we cannot possibly make the best recommendation or pass
judgment. This is just meant to give you food for thought and
hopefully benefit your long term future. As a metaphor, few would
disagree that maintaining a good healthy relationship is more
complicated than maintaining a good driving record. So, a better
example of a relationship is maintaining a good pilot's license.
Consider what that requires. The attention to detail, maintenance,
cost, and managing a comprehensive checklist each time you want to
take that plane in the air. What do you do each day to put that sort
of effort and intension into your relationship?
This is not
just as simple as turning the key and expecting it to work and keep
you and your loved ones safe. A lot is at stake here. Consider what
you could do like this in preparation: reading books on relationship
skills, conflict resolution, child development, personal psychology,
and development. Consider therapy, group therapy, couples
counseling. Just paying your partner more attention each day. Not
just expecting them to be there for you. The list goes on. An
endless list. Are we ever really done mastering relationship skills?