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Mission Statement:
The main point of this
web page is to address issues of attraction, honesty, and fidelity in relationships,
so that you may have some food for thought. Something to consider and discuss
with your chosen mate. To develop and maintain a relationship that is well
rounded and deeply bonded. Or least we be left wanting and miserable.
Sex is great fun
for consenting adults, but I think most people jump into it way too fast
with people they just met. How many people you know would wait until they know
that new person well enough they trust them to put them as a signer on their checking account? If not actually doing that, this should be a mental qualifier we should use
for several reasons. Most relationships go bad before long, and when it does it could be just as damaging as them wiping out your bank account,
or worse emotionally. You are literally placing your life in their hands each time you're with a sexual partner. Even if you believe you are in a long term relationship, you never know when they will step out on you and
possibly bring back something very nasty. I know this sounds dismal, but like driving a car we should think
more about the serious responsibility involved, and the high cost if we are reckless.
Attraction
I am intrigued with the issue of attraction; what makes people so strongly
drawn to others who may not be good for them? Fulfilled attraction
is certainly a source of great pleasure, as well as much strife. Some
times even leading to premeditated murder. Why must we be driven to
seek out the objects of our desire?
For older people it may be seen
as a curse to still have this ravenous desire for sexual if not just intimate
contact. They would have no need to begin a family at that point in
their life. They could find companionship with anyone whom They get along
with be they male or female, without the need for a sexual interaction if
only that desire was not so strong in them still.
I also feel for the plight of
so many relationships gone bad, because of the betrayal of the heart.
Which is a most common problem in our society. I do not minimize the
pain it causes Especially when they feel such devastation, leading
them to thoughts of suicide or murder. But how to cope in such situations
of the most grievous pain?
Our church leaders fail to offer
any realistic advice or solutions to these natural compelling needs we seem
to no escape. By forcing us to think about it so much and placing
such taboos on any sexual desires causes unhealthy cravings all the more.
All they tell us is: 'Don't do it! Don't even think about it.' Are
there really so many people who are able to simply say 'no thanks'?
If so, do they live with any passion for life, or are they suffering a different
mental issue? We see from lots of religious controversy that even
many of these church leaders are apparently not able to follow their own
advice. And in some cases have lead to perverse acts of abuse of their
position with naive innocent victims? So again, what are we to do
in combating these over whelming desires when they cannot provide a bit
if realistic advice?
As a start, we need to try to
foster a relationship with our respective mates of open and honest communication,
so we can talk about our most intimate thoughts and desires with them, and
to provide a safe environment for our mates to share their thoughts and
desires with us as well. It is amazing how rare this seems to be in
our society. Whom else should we be communicating with about our sexual
desires? It is our part to try to develop the lines of open communication.
And most importantly to provide this safe environment for our mate to share
their thoughts, opinions, and desires.
It is not that we need to act
out all these desires, for that would be ridiculous and even self-destructive.
But we should have an outlet to discuss them without fear of being ridiculed
and made to feel we are bad for having these thoughts or desires.
again, who better than our mate should we disclose this information?
I know for many of you, this simply is not possible, since you know you
cannot be this honest with your mate. That is sad, and we feel you
need to gradually open this up between you, or in time you may find it necessary
to dissolve your relationship, and seek a truly healthy relationship.
Honesty
 We
feel that open communication and truth is paramount in any healthy relationship
with which to develop a deep bond. Between two honest and well meaning
people, their only obstacles are the misunderstandings and or the differences
in their motivations and goals that can constantly change over time.
We are fools to think we know everything there is to know about our partner,
as though they never learn more about themselves and evolve. It is
all we can do to keep on top of just the normal misunderstandings that seem
to creep in as time slips by. Often times, we may argue about issues
that may have little directly to do with the real issue or misunderstandings
upsetting us. It sometimes takes hours to get to the core issue and
clear out these assumptions and misconceptions.
Without regular open and honest communication,
if you believe you are in love with your mate, with the lack of true information
(or worse yet complete lies),
you would only be in love with an illusion. Certainly not with the
person you think you are with. You cannot be in love with or respect
them if you do not know who they really are and what goes through their
mind.
I am not suggesting that you
can have a complete and perfect sense of love for your mate, since there
is no way to know everything about them, but you should not give up, or
you risk drifting further and further apart as time goes on. Eventually
it is too far separated to mend these fences. Yes, it takes
a great deal of time and effort you will have to invest, but what in your
life will have a greater value? Where will you be if this is
not the direction you both are traveling in life? You will likely
become distant and no wonder we end up seeking connection in other's arms.
As a couple, you need to explore acceptable ways to open up the lines of
communication, and to allow for honesty to be expressed, without the fear
of reprisal and rejection.
If you expect or want your mate to desire you sexually, this will not be
genuine if there is no deep warm connection between you. It gets to
the point that you might feel you would get more genuine affection from
a paid sex-surrogate, which is definitely not based on affection.
True intimacy cannot be achieved with this lack of understanding of each
other, let alone outright lies. Even if they do not know the truth,
they will know something's is not right and true intimacy cannot be achieved.
If you feel badgered
by your mate to spend more time and reconnect, but you think you can live
without intimacy in your life. Maybe your feeling badgered because
they have been shouting at the wall so long they have become desperate trying
to ring you back into their heart, and have been suffering in a painful
vacuum of intimacy in their life for way too long. Before it is too
late and they have given up on you, and or moved on emotionally to someone
else who will respond to them, choose between your two options carefully.
You can work to repair the damage that has occurred, or decide to release
your mate's suffering from trying to revive a cold dead fish like you. This
may sound harsh, but this is your relationship with your lifemate....shouldn't
it be intense?
Understanding
If you expect or want your mate
to desire you sexually, then you need not be blind to the fact that others
will still draw their attention. Even if you were to be better looking
than their favorite celebrity, there are always others who will still be
attractive to your mate, and like wise for you. We see attraction
in different forms, much like you may have a favorite food, but it is not
the only kind of food you love to eat. Of course, what you do with
those desires makes all the difference in the world. Who wants to
become obese?
Working together to reach mutually
advantageous ways to channel those desires into your lives without harm
to your relationship is very important. Instead of us pretending it
is not an issue. It is not healthy to be dishonest with our lovers
any more than with one’s self. We need to try to to have acceptance,
and try to be understanding of our lover’s desires, as long as we hope to
be a part of their lives. It is insensitive and cruel to make our
lovers feel terrible about the truth of their desires, and force them to
hide those parts of themselves we feel are to our disliking (assuming these
fetishes are not illegal or harm others of course).
Religion
Most Religious Leaders would
tell us to not even think such thoughts, like as though it were just that
simple? Logically, this is simply not a viable answer. We are expected
to exert great passions toward our mate, (well some religions don't even
promote that) but other people are simply not to affect us in that way
at all? I would contest this is a huge farce, and we set ourselves
up for an impossible ideal or goal.
They tout that these sexual
desires are from an evil source. I say; "Bull Shit"! If this
life is perhaps all a grand design as they might suggest, then the Divine
would have realized they needed to turn up the degree of sexual desire to
this point, or our species would fail to continue to procreate as needed.
I suggest sexual desire is more a Divine creation. It is not something
that we would naturally have had other wise. As an example; I believe
the Divine could have programmed us to be sexually attracted to certain
types of trees just as easily, but it is easy to see where that would fail
in short order. We need to feel we can embrace our desires as a blessing
that makes this life all the more exciting and worth living. There
is also the belief on a more scientific level that our sexual desire is
part of our human brains baser levels and very primitive. The same
level that keeps us seeking food for survival would keep us seeking sexual
interaction for procreation, as well as for pleasure....The pleasure centers
are found very deep within our cortex and are very primitive in nature.
Even Bonobo Chimpanzees have sex for pleasure as well as for procreation.....They
have even been seen to have Monogamous relationships as well as Polyamourous
ones...So even in the animal kingdom there is no right or wrong answer.
It is all a blending of many ways....
Open-Relationship
We
do not recommend open relationships for most couples. There is a rare
few who can add this to their relationship without causing more trouble
than advantage. Especially where the couple will be intimate with
others separately. We see that most of
our society may need another hundred years, if not a millennia of evolution
through this new Aquarian age of enlightenment before they are ready to
fully understand and implement this sort of ideal love and community.
There are several notorious
books published back in the 1960s like 'Stranger in a Strange Land', and
"Friday" by: Robert Heinlein, and 'The Harrad Experiment' and "Proposition
32" by Robert H. Rimmer, which suggest such a world as a possibility, but
they both also clearly state how it would take a great deal of education
and therapy to reach a place within our lifetime to realize such a new world.
Maybe in Europe through the course
of time, a socialized government such a Sweden has, with better sex education,
and easily available birth control, it could have a closer society to these
concepts. But they are also known to have some of the highest level
of suicides? They have yet to implement a kind of education that these
books suggest about relationship skills. So they may be shooting their
wad far too soon. <LOL>
But we do need a workable direction for our
society to evolve towards.
Most people we have known are not even able
to articulate the meaning of 'love', let alone live it. They are far
from being able to handle this on a long term situation. They can
struggle for only so long to try to not face the reality of that lifestyle.
They do not see the beauty of seeing their primary mate glow in their chosen
activities, the pleasure they find id more in what they are going to get
out of it. It would take a great deal of discipline, self awareness,
and stability. Being in touch with themselves and sensitivity of others
around them is a must. Few couples have a good grasp on relationship
skills, like good honest communication and conflict resolution.
As to your primary relationship,
few would debate that maintaining a good healthy relationship with just
one person is more difficult than to maintain a Driver's license.
So it would be more like maintaining a Pilot's license then? It would
go to show that good relationship and conflict resolution skills would require
most people to go through some form of comprehensive education. So
to enter into broadening your sexual horizons like this would be more like
getting and maintaining an Astronaut's license? We feel that an alternative
'lifestyle' needs to be taken much more seriously than most people seem
to take it, or you might as well take your Marriage certificate or any committed
understandings your living with, set it under your car tire and
BURN RUBBER!
Although, a honest, healthy, and respectful
consent is far more important than the concept of monogamy, it is difficult
enough for only two people to be able to get along and cohabitate for any
duration. So open relationships would there for be that much more
complicated. No thrill should be worth the cost of your relationship
with your primary partner.
Safer Play Outside of Marriage
If you feel that you both need
the openness of bringing in other people into your relationship, there
are much less destructive ways to deal with these passions. Need I
say more?
You cannot get diseases from
a sexy movie. You cannot get a picture in a magazine pregnant. If
you are willing to stick to a pact with our spouse to go together to an
establishment where there are nude dancers, you would see that it is more
or less harmless. They will be going home only with you. The
two of you could even explore soft-swinging,
maintaining your monogamy, but considering some relatively safe adventures.
Even 'contact soft-swinging' can be an exciting addition to your relationship,
as long as there is no one being coerced or dragged into it. If it
is not good for both of you, it need not happen. The web is a great
source for making these anonymous connections with other consenting adults,
until a comfort level has been reached where you can safely disclose your
contact information. It may be a way to avoid a future of non-consenting
adultery.
Jealousy
Do not believe that you “should not” feel
jealousy in a situation. This thought process emerged in the "70's"
with the onset of open relationships (Swinging). Jealousy was touted
as being remnants of low self esteem and instability and should be eradicated.
We see jealousy as a normal emotion that can be used as a cue that something
is wrong. Think of it as a valuable tool. If you were a construction
worker who needs to get up on high places a lot, it is not for you to conquer
all fear of heights. It is for you to use this emotion to safe guard
yourself. Maybe you need to rethink your safety measures, since you
cannot afford to fall off even once.
Ask your self how
jealous do I feel? Why do I feel jealous?
 Is
this just a light twinge that will pass? If the feelings begin to
feel overwhelming then it is time to use your voice, and even stop what
is going on that is making you feel uneasy, for the sake of re-evaluation.
If the people you are with care about you, they will not have qualms about
discontinuing. Even if it means that this activity may never resume.
If you face these issues and work through them to where you feel better
about things, then you do not have a bigger problem to face later.
This does not mean
that you are to find a way to stuff this feeling and find a way to conform
to other people's wishes. If you feel pressure from these other people
to just get over it, you need to re-evaluate whether they truly care about
you. You should be encouraged to embrace these feelings, and to sort
out why you feel this way to work out real solutions. If you do not
face this, do not fool yourself that it will not resurface, as it was never
resolved. It must resurface to finally be dealt with. And even
if you feel that it was laid to rest, give yourself leeway for it to resurface
from time to time. It is normal for solutions to not be an instantaneous
and permanent cure. It also may be that the solution was not as effective
a cure as you might have hoped, and you need to continue to brain-storm
this issue.
Most people feel
twinges of jealousy, or a feeling of uncomfortably that passes easily, but
at times they become more than just twinges. Listen to your instincts.
Many people try to dissect why jealousy comes up i.e.: insecurities, self-doubts,
lack of trust etc. It really does not matter at the moment why it
comes up, as it is a real issue for you and need attention. Listen
to it, and learn what is best for you. Jealousy does not make
you a bad person. Chances are, if you do not face it as it
arises, you and your partner may make some grave mistakes you may regret,
and pay a much heavier price for later.
Love
There is another way
to think of this. A healthy and proper sense of love for another person
is where; 'you find joy in seeing them happy
and fulfilled', perhaps even at the exclusion
of yourself (within reason
of course). This needs to be
more selfless than we typically see, and not so free of restrictions that
it bridges on uncaring. It does not mean that your feelings and needs
should not matter. On the contrary. Any healthy relationship
works to maintain a good sense of balance, or it falls into the realm of
'co-dependant'.
If you truly love
someone, you should feel desire to see them happy, or even expressive when
they are not feeling so good, so they are able to process their emotions.
It is an incredible gift to provide a safe haven to vent, without having
to be instantly fixed or solved. Not an easy thing to do.
This is not a philosophy
that you are to emulate, just because you agree it is a good idea.
It has little value until you really own it. Love is not something
you should try to fake. If you are not there, that is OK, and any
lasting evolution takes time. Allow yourself and your mate this time
to gain a better understanding.
This is not the same
as: 'set them free, and if they come
back, they are yours. But if they don't, they never were'
ideal. You do not need this to see if someone loves you. It
will be quite evident when you evaluate whether they derive such joy in
seeing you happy, even at their exclusion. This does not mean that if you
are not ready to see your mate be sexual with another person that you do
not love them though.... You also do not need this test to show you love
them. Again, you just need to work on what your concept of love is.
Time apart is no way to assure that your way of thinking will change in
a long term manner.
The Female Sex Drive
As to the subject of Female's attraction
to men, many women complain about how they are mistreated by men.
But when confronted with the choice to raise a family with their best friend
(assuming there is no sex involved),
or to choose a less than supportive or even abusive man, most women tend
to go for the man. There for I say 'sex' is more important to these
women than the need to raise children in a healthy environment. I
am not saying women are not complete with out a man, I am just referring
to their desire and the choices they make.
Another point to make here is that society
has given us a mold to follow and woman in our culture are very good at
fitting into molds. Stepping outside the norm of male/female pair
bonding is definitely not a safe place to step. So many woman may find themselves
in loveless and sexless marriages or unfulfilling sexual relationships to
fit in, and live a "normal" life. Sad to say but raising kids alone
monetarily for females is still a difficult thing to do.
Homosexuality
As far as those who are
inclined to be attracted to only those of the same sex I concede that many
if not all are truly programmed this way on a genetic level. I understand the scientific community has actually identified the DNA chromosome linked
to homosexuality. It does not take a genius to see that this sort
of activity does not follow an intended design of the human body and the
need for the propagation of the human race. The saddest part is how
many of these individuals are tormented by this issue, and how it does not
fit with in the norm of society, which is a burden I'm glad I don't
happen to share for what ever reason. Just as it would be inappropriate to hate someone who was born
without the advantage of sight, you would do well to not harbor any hatred
of gays, just as you would not want to be hated for a quirk in your psyche that
you had no control of, like perhaps your disability of being so short sighted?
<LOL>
Bi-sexuality
We
see Bi-sexuality or being Pan-sexual to be a bit different than homo-sexuality.
These people are able to see the beauty of loving other people regardless
of their gender in an exchange of physical pleasure. Perhaps they are less burdened by the constraints and
hang-ups. World peace can only be realized if we learn
to love one another while respecting our differences. It must begin
with those around you. This does not necessarily need to graduate
into physical love, but is that not how our society equates expression of
love? We as a society need to learn to open ourselves up to a broader
definition to love that is not immediately defined by sexual encounters.
Even if it seems to be more of a female thing it is far more prevalent in men than you would imagine. But with the lack of public acceptability of
male Bi-sexuality, this is not something that is discussed or seen much.
Even though bi-sexuality
is more common it has been largely been a topic feared and
avoided in the news and media, because of it's very nature it suggests open-relationships
are required.
We suppose that if people are to remain active with their bi-sexuality this
would be true, but it is not an absolute. People are very likely to
explore it regardless, so refusing to acknowledging it as a common way for
people to be forces it into the secret closet from even their mates.
Pedophiles
As to those few people who
may be programmed to be attracted to small children; I would say
we would sleep better at night if those people could find less-destructive
outlets for their passions. If they are so inclined to be a child-molesting-rapist-killer,
this does not mean they have to be a practicing child-molesting-rapist-killers.
If they needed to look at pictures of little kids to whack their pud, I
would find that to be far less destructive than going out and messing up
the lives of so many children and all those who know them and will get to
know them decades later, having to deal with the damage they caused from
their extreme selfishness. No matter how it goes down those children
were not consenting adult, so there is no excuse for the adult in this
to diverge from what they know and create such an improper situation.
Theology
For those atheists out there that
would choose not subscribe to the ideal that there is Divinity with an intended
design for life, we can only feel sad for them. If you are correct
and there is no Divine, you will never find out that you were right.
But if you are wrong, you are sure to be some what embarrassed and seen
as a sadly bitter person for demanding to see the proof and not sensing
the subtle influences the Divine has on our lives. We feel a strong
influence in our daily lives, and are very grateful for this loving touch
and care that is for our benefit.
Much in the way we see the incredible
design and construction of the human body, it leads us to conclude that
it was too well designed to just be a fluke; 'survival of the fittest'.
Not that this aspect of nature does not clearly play a big part in this
design, but it still leaves holes in the big picture.
'Survival
of the fittest' would suggest that any improvement from the old version,
is more like a birth defect than anything. Hence it was better suited
to survive the changing elements than it's parents? we do realize
that many people see that to believe in a Higher Purpose is perhaps a rather
scary if not just an overly optimistic view, but that seems to us like a
good place to be. It
is sad when we loose hope, and leads to the decay of our society.
I find it comforting, and see attraction, no matter how illogical or frustrating,
to be a most wondrous sensation still the same.
Why Do We Share
All
This On-line?
Do you wonder why we take this
risk, in being so exposed and bothering to publish these on the web?
See one of our other philosophy web pages: Our Path
for a better idea of what we are hoping to gain from all the thousands of
hours we have put into these pages.
What does all this mean about how
we have lived our life? I, David was married to a mentally ill woman
in a terribly Co-dependant relationship. She was a pathological liar
through all
the fourteen years together. She lied to me in excess of ten
thousand times, in major and minor ways. She continues to perpetuate
these lies at the cost of the parenting time I'm able to have with my children.
Through those years I was truthful and faithful to her, and at no time felt
at great risk of falling to desires.
When Tia and I met in this
lifetime, she too lived the same ethics in her first marriage
of twelve years. We were thrilled to finally be with a mate who shared
these high ethics and knew we could finally do this the right way.
The ethics of honor and fidelity mean a lot to us, and we hope to help people
to understand and find a workable solution to reach this goal and develop a deep meaningful
bond.
Since mid 2000 we have worked
publicly in the Swinging community to influence them; offering an alternative
to sexual intercourse with others. We have also worked publicly in
the area of those who are adulterous since early 2002 to make a caring influence
on how they choose to live their lives, and the effect it has on those in
there life without ant religious dogma. Just logical thinking.
We feel there is little gained
by simply condemning them for their choices. Organized Religion has
done what they can, but has clearly failed to offer realistic solutions.
Instead through their condemnation, they have inspired a break down in communication
amongst couples, and dishonesty in the limited ideals of acceptance to real
issues we all face.
To read more on our thoughts of
addressing some real issues you may be facing in your relationship, but
are too afraid to face, click on the next link:
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Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity.
