Understanding Sexual Desires
Written 1998 to 2010
by: David Rich

Warning: there is graphic language and images
that may be offensive to the special people in the red States

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Here is a prayer from Harry Hollis Jr.
that I would like to share with you:

Lord, it's hard to know what sex really is----
Is it some demon put here to torment me?
Or some delicious seducer from reality?
It is neither of these, Lord.
I know what sex is---
It is body and spirit,
It is passion and tenderness,
It is strong embrace and gentle handholding,
It is open nakedness and hidden mystery,
It is joyful tears on honeymoon faces, and
It is tears on wrinkled faces at a golden wedding anniversary.
Sex is a quiet look across the room,
A love note on a pillow,
A rose laid on a breakfast plate,
Laughter in the night.
Sex is life--not all of life--
But wrapped up in the meaning of life.
Sex is your good gift, O God,
To enrich life,
To continue the race,
To communicate,
To show me who I am,
To reveal my mate,
To cleanse through "one flesh".
Lord, some people say sex and religion don't mix.
But your Word says sex is good.
Help me to keep it good in my life.
Help me to be open about sex.
And still protect its mystery.
Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity.
Help me not to climb into a fantasy world
of imaginary sexual partners;
Keep me in the real world
To love the people you created.
Teach me that my soul does not have to frown at sex.
It's hard for many people to say, "Thank God for sex!"
Because for them sex is more a problem than a gift.
They need to know that sex and gospel can be linked together again.
They need to hear the good news about sex.
Show me how I can help them.
Thank you , Lord, for making me a sexual being,
Thank you for showing me how to treat others with trust and love.
Thank you for letting me talk to you about sex.
Thank you that I feel free to say:
"Thank God for sex."

DMsDH

 

Mission Statement:
The main point of this web page is to address issues of attraction, honesty, and fidelity in relationships, so that you may have some food for thought. Something to consider and discuss with your chosen mate. To develop and maintain a relationship that is well rounded and deeply bonded.  Or least we be left wanting and miserable.

Sex is great fun for consenting adults, but I think most people jump into it way too fast with people they just met. How many people you know would wait until they know that new person well enough they trust them to put them as a signer on their checking account? If not actually doing that, this should be a mental qualifier we should use for several reasons. Most relationships go bad before long, and when it does it could be just as damaging as them wiping out your bank account, or worse emotionally. You are literally placing your life in their hands each time you're with a sexual partner. Even if you believe you are in a long term relationship, you never know when they will step out on you and possibly bring back something very nasty. I know this sounds dismal, but like driving a car we should think more about the serious responsibility involved, and the high cost if we are reckless.

Attraction
I am intrigued with the issue of attraction; what makes people so strongly drawn to others who may not be good for them?  Fulfilled attraction is certainly a source of great pleasure, as well as much strife.  Some times even leading to premeditated murder.  Why must we be driven to seek out the objects of our desire?

For older people it may be seen as a curse to still have this ravenous desire for sexual if not just intimate contact.  They would have no need to begin a family at that point in their life. They could find companionship with anyone whom They get along with be they male or female, without the need for a sexual interaction if only that desire was not so strong in them still.

I also feel for the plight of so many relationships gone bad, because of the betrayal of the heart.  Which is a most common problem in our society.  I do not minimize the pain it causes  Especially when they feel such devastation, leading them to thoughts of suicide or murder.  But how to cope in such situations of the most grievous pain?

Our church leaders fail to offer any realistic advice or solutions to these natural compelling needs we seem to no escape.  By forcing us to think about it so much and placing such taboos on any sexual desires causes unhealthy cravings all the more.  All they tell us is: 'Don't do it! Don't even think about it.'  Are there really so many people who are able to simply say 'no thanks'?  If so, do they live with any passion for life, or are they suffering a different mental issue?  We see from lots of religious controversy that even many of these church leaders are apparently not able to follow their own advice.  And in some cases have lead to perverse acts of abuse of their position with naive innocent victims?  So again, what are we to do in combating these over whelming desires when they cannot provide a bit if realistic advice?

As a start, we need to try to foster a relationship with our respective mates of open and honest communication, so we can talk about our most intimate thoughts and desires with them, and to provide a safe environment for our mates to share their thoughts and desires with us as well.  It is amazing how rare this seems to be in our society.  Whom else should we be communicating with about our sexual desires?  It is our part to try to develop the lines of open communication.  And most importantly to provide this safe environment for our mate to share their thoughts, opinions, and desires.

It is not that we need to act out all these desires, for that would be ridiculous and even self-destructive.  But we should have an outlet to discuss them without fear of being ridiculed and made to feel we are bad for having these thoughts or desires.  again, who better than our mate should we disclose this information?  I know for many of you, this simply is not possible, since you know you cannot be this honest with your mate.  That is sad, and we feel you need to gradually open this up between you, or in time you may find it necessary to dissolve your relationship, and seek a truly healthy relationship.

Honesty
We feel that open communication and truth is paramount in any healthy relationship with which to develop a deep bond.  Between two honest and well meaning people, their only obstacles are the misunderstandings and or the differences in their motivations and goals that can constantly change over time.  We are fools to think we know everything there is to know about our partner, as though they never learn more about themselves and evolve.  It is all we can do to keep on top of just the normal misunderstandings that seem to creep in as time slips by.  Often times, we may argue about issues that may have little directly to do with the real issue or misunderstandings upsetting us.  It sometimes takes hours to get to the core issue and clear out these assumptions and misconceptions.

Without regular open and honest communication, if you believe you are in love with your mate, with the lack of true information (or worse yet complete lies), you would only be in love with an illusion.  Certainly not with the person you think you are with.  You cannot be in love with or respect them if you do not know who they really are and what goes through their mind.

I am not suggesting that you can have a complete and perfect sense of love for your mate, since there is no way to know everything about them, but you should not give up, or you risk drifting further and further apart as time goes on.  Eventually it is too far separated to mend these fences.  Yes, it takes  a great deal of time and effort you will have to invest, but what in your life will have  a greater value?  Where will you be if this is not the direction you both are traveling in life?  You will likely become distant and no wonder we end up seeking connection in other's arms.  As a couple, you need to explore acceptable ways to open up the lines of communication, and to allow for honesty to be expressed, without the fear of reprisal and rejection.

If you expect or want your mate to desire you sexually, this will not be genuine if there is no deep warm connection between you.  It gets to the point that you might feel you would get more genuine affection from a paid sex-surrogate, which is definitely not based on affection.  True intimacy cannot be achieved with this lack of understanding of each other, let alone outright lies.  Even if they do not know the truth, they will know something's is not right and true intimacy cannot be achieved.

If you feel badgered by your mate to spend more time and reconnect, but you think you can live without intimacy in your life.  Maybe your feeling badgered because they have been shouting at the wall so long they have become desperate trying to ring you back into their heart, and have been suffering in a painful vacuum of intimacy in their life for way too long.  Before it is too late and they have given up on you, and or moved on emotionally to someone else who will respond to them, choose between your two options carefully.  You can work to repair the damage that has occurred, or decide to release your mate's suffering from trying to revive a cold dead fish like you. This may sound harsh, but this is your relationship with your lifemate....shouldn't it be intense?

Understanding
If you expect or want your mate to desire you sexually, then you need not be blind to the fact that others will still draw their attention.  Even if you were to be better looking than their favorite celebrity, there are always others who will still be attractive to your mate, and like wise for you.  We see attraction in different forms, much like you may have a favorite food, but it is not the only kind of food you love to eat.  Of course, what you do with those desires makes all the difference in the world.  Who wants to become obese?

Working together to reach mutually advantageous ways to channel those desires into your lives without harm to your relationship is very important.  Instead of us pretending it is not an issue.  It is not healthy to be dishonest with our lovers any more than with one’s self.  We need to try to to have acceptance, and try to be understanding of our lover’s desires, as long as we hope to be a part of their lives.  It is insensitive and cruel to make our lovers feel terrible about the truth of their desires, and force them to hide those parts of themselves we feel are to our disliking (assuming these fetishes are not illegal or harm others of course).

Religion
Most Religious Leaders would tell us to not even think such thoughts, like as though it were just that simple? Logically, this is simply not a viable answer.  We are expected to exert great passions toward our mate, (well some religions don't even promote that) but other people are simply not to affect us in that way at all?  I would contest this is a huge farce, and we set ourselves up for an impossible ideal or goal.

They tout that these sexual desires are from an evil source.  I say; "Bull Shit"!  If this life is perhaps all a grand design as they might suggest, then the Divine would have realized they needed to turn up the degree of sexual desire to this point, or our species would fail to continue to procreate as needed.  I suggest sexual desire is more a Divine creation.  It is not something that we would naturally have had other wise.  As an example; I believe the Divine could have programmed us to be sexually attracted to certain types of trees just as easily, but it is easy to see where that would fail in short order.  We need to feel we can embrace our desires as a blessing that makes this life all the more exciting and worth living.  There is also the belief on a more scientific level that our sexual desire is part of our human brains baser levels and very primitive.  The same level that keeps us seeking food for survival would keep us seeking sexual interaction for procreation, as well as for pleasure....The pleasure centers are found very deep within our cortex and are very primitive in nature.  Even Bonobo Chimpanzees have sex for pleasure as well as for procreation.....They have even been seen to have Monogamous relationships as well as Polyamourous ones...So even in the animal kingdom there is no right or wrong answer.  It is all a blending of many ways....

Open-Relationship
We do not recommend open relationships for most couples.  There is a rare few who can add this to their relationship without causing more trouble than advantage.  Especially where the couple will be intimate with others separately.  We see that most of our society may need another hundred years, if not a millennia of evolution through this new Aquarian age of enlightenment before they are ready to fully understand and implement this sort of ideal love and community.

There are several notorious books published back in the 1960s like 'Stranger in a Strange Land', and "Friday" by: Robert Heinlein, and 'The Harrad Experiment' and "Proposition 32" by Robert H. Rimmer, which suggest such a world as a possibility, but they both also clearly state how it would take a great deal of education and therapy to reach a place within our lifetime to realize such a new world.

Maybe in Europe through the course of time, a socialized government such a Sweden has, with better sex education, and easily available birth control, it could have a closer society to these concepts.  But they are also known to have some of the highest level of suicides?  They have yet to implement a kind of education that these books suggest about relationship skills.  So they may be shooting their wad far too soon. <LOL>

But we do need a workable direction for our society to evolve towards.  Most people we have known are not even able to articulate the meaning of 'love', let alone live it.  They are far from being able to handle this on a long term situation.  They can struggle for only so long to try to not face the reality of that lifestyle.  They do not see the beauty of seeing their primary mate glow in their chosen activities, the pleasure they find id more in what they are going to get out of it.  It would take a great deal of discipline, self awareness, and stability.  Being in touch with themselves and sensitivity of others around them is a must.  Few couples have a good grasp on relationship skills, like good honest communication and conflict resolution.

As to your primary relationship, few would debate that maintaining a good healthy relationship with just one person is more difficult than to maintain a Driver's license.  So it would be more like maintaining a Pilot's license then?  It would go to show that good relationship and conflict resolution skills would require most people to go through some form of comprehensive education.  So to enter into broadening your sexual horizons like this would be more like getting and maintaining an Astronaut's license?  We feel that an alternative 'lifestyle' needs to be taken much more seriously than most people seem to take it, or you might as well take your Marriage certificate or any committed understandings your living with, set it under your car tire and BURN RUBBER!

Although, a honest, healthy, and respectful consent is far more important than the concept of monogamy, it is difficult enough for only two people to be able to get along and cohabitate for any duration.  So open relationships would there for be that much more complicated.  No thrill should be worth the cost of your relationship with your primary partner.

Safer Play Outside of Marriage
If you feel that you both need the openness of bringing in other people into your relationship, there are much less destructive ways to deal with these passions.  Need I say more?

You cannot get diseases from a sexy movie. You cannot get a picture in a magazine pregnant.  If you are willing to stick to a pact with our spouse to go together to an establishment where there are nude dancers, you would see that it is more or less harmless.  They will be going home only with you.  The two of you could even explore soft-swinging, maintaining your monogamy, but considering some relatively safe adventures.  Even 'contact soft-swinging' can be an exciting addition to your relationship, as long as there is no one being coerced or dragged into it.  If it is not good for both of you, it need not happen.  The web is a great source for making these anonymous connections with other consenting adults, until a comfort level has been reached where you can safely disclose your contact information.  It may be a way to avoid a future of non-consenting adultery.

Jealousy
Do not believe that you “should not” feel jealousy in a situation.  This thought process emerged in the "70's" with the onset of open relationships (Swinging).  Jealousy was touted as being remnants of low self esteem and instability and should be eradicated.  We see jealousy as a normal emotion that can be used as a cue that something is wrong.  Think of it as a valuable tool.  If you were a construction worker who needs to get up on high places a lot, it is not for you to conquer all fear of heights.  It is for you to use this emotion to safe guard yourself.  Maybe you need to rethink your safety measures, since you cannot afford to fall off even once.

Ask your self how jealous do I feel?  Why do I feel jealous?  Is this just a light twinge that will pass?  If the feelings begin to feel overwhelming then it is time to use your voice, and even stop what is going on that is making you feel uneasy, for the sake of re-evaluation.  If the people you are with care about you, they will not have qualms about discontinuing.  Even if it means that this activity may never resume.  If you face these issues and work through them to where you feel better about things, then you do not have a bigger problem to face later.

This does not mean that you are to find a way to stuff this feeling and find a way to conform to other people's wishes.  If you feel pressure from these other people to just get over it, you need to re-evaluate whether they truly care about you.  You should be encouraged to embrace these feelings, and to sort out why you feel this way to work out real solutions.  If you do not face this, do not fool yourself that it will not resurface, as it was never resolved.  It must resurface to finally be dealt with.  And even if you feel that it was laid to rest, give yourself leeway for it to resurface from time to time.  It is normal for solutions to not be an instantaneous and permanent cure.  It also may be that the solution was not as effective a cure as you might have hoped, and you need to continue to brain-storm this issue.

Most people feel twinges of jealousy, or a feeling of uncomfortably that passes easily, but at times they become more than just twinges.  Listen to your instincts.  Many people try to dissect why jealousy comes up i.e.: insecurities, self-doubts, lack of trust etc.  It really does not matter at the moment why it comes up, as it is a real issue for you and need attention.  Listen to it, and learn what is best for you.  Jealousy does not make you a bad person.  Chances are, if you do not face it as it arises, you and your partner may make some grave mistakes you may regret, and pay a much heavier price for later.

Love
There is another way to think of this.  A healthy and proper sense of love for another person is where; 'you find joy in seeing them happy and fulfilled', perhaps even at the exclusion of yourself (within reason of course).  This needs to be more selfless than we typically see, and not so free of restrictions that it bridges on uncaring.  It does not mean that your feelings and needs should not matter.  On the contrary.  Any healthy relationship works to maintain a good sense of balance, or it falls into the realm of 'co-dependant'.

If you truly love someone, you should feel desire to see them happy, or even expressive when they are not feeling so good, so they are able to process their emotions.  It is an incredible gift to provide a safe haven to vent, without having to be instantly fixed or solved.  Not an easy thing to do.

This is not a philosophy that you are to emulate, just because you agree it is a good idea.  It has little value until you really own it.  Love is not something you should try to fake.  If you are not there, that is OK, and any lasting evolution takes time.  Allow yourself and your mate this time to gain a better understanding.

This is not the same as: 'set them free, and if they come back, they are yours. But if they don't, they never were' ideal.  You do not need this to see if someone loves you.  It will be quite evident when you evaluate whether they derive such joy in seeing you happy, even at their exclusion. This does not mean that if you are not ready to see your mate be sexual with another person that you do not love them though.... You also do not need this test to show you love them.  Again, you just need to work on what your concept of love is.  Time apart is no way to assure that your way of thinking will change in a long term manner.

The Female Sex Drive
As to the subject of Female's attraction to men, many women complain  about how they are mistreated by men.  But when confronted with the choice to raise a family with their best friend (assuming there is no sex involved), or to choose a less than supportive or even abusive man, most women tend to go for the man.  There for I say 'sex' is more important to these women than the need to raise children in a healthy environment.  I am not saying women are not complete with out a man, I am just referring to their desire and the choices they make.

Another point to make here is that society has given us a mold to follow and woman in our culture are very good at fitting into molds.  Stepping outside the norm of male/female pair bonding is definitely not a safe place to step. So many woman may find themselves in loveless and sexless marriages or unfulfilling sexual relationships to fit in, and live a "normal" life.  Sad to say but raising kids alone monetarily for females is still a difficult thing to do.

Homosexuality
As far as those who are inclined to be attracted to only those of the same sex I concede that many if not all are truly programmed this way on a genetic level.  I understand the scientific community has actually identified the DNA chromosome linked to homosexuality.  It does not take a genius to see that this sort of activity does not follow an intended design of the human body and the need for the propagation of the human race.  The saddest part is how many of these individuals are tormented by this issue, and how it does not fit with in the norm of society, which is a burden I'm glad I don't happen to share for what ever reason.  Just as it would be inappropriate to hate someone who was born without the advantage of sight, you would do well to not harbor any hatred of gays, just as you would not want to be hated for a quirk in your psyche that you had no control of, like perhaps your disability of being so short sighted? <LOL>

Bi-sexuality
We see Bi-sexuality or being Pan-sexual to be a bit different than homo-sexuality.  These people are able to see the beauty of loving other people regardless of their gender in an exchange of physical pleasure. Perhaps they are less burdened by the constraints and hang-ups.  World peace can only be realized if we learn to love one another while respecting our differences.  It must begin with those around you.  This does not necessarily need to graduate into physical love, but is that not how our society equates expression of love?  We as a society need to learn to open ourselves up to a broader definition to love that is not immediately defined by sexual encounters.  Even if it seems to be more of a female thing it is far more prevalent in men than you would imagine.  But with the lack of public acceptability of male Bi-sexuality, this is not something that is discussed or seen much.

Even though bi-sexuality is more common it has been largely been a topic feared and avoided in the news and media, because of it's very nature it suggests open-relationships are required.  We suppose that if people are to remain active with their bi-sexuality this would be true, but it is not an absolute.  People are very likely to explore it regardless, so refusing to acknowledging it as a common way for people to be forces it into the secret closet from even their mates.

Pedophiles
As to those few people who may be programmed to be attracted to small children; I would say we would sleep better at night if those people could find less-destructive outlets for their passions. If they are so inclined to be a child-molesting-rapist-killer, this does not mean they have to be a practicing child-molesting-rapist-killers. If they needed to look at pictures of little kids to whack their pud, I would find that to be far less destructive than going out and messing up the lives of so many children and all those who know them and will get to know them decades later, having to deal with the damage they caused from their extreme selfishness. No matter how it goes down those children were not consenting adult, so there is no excuse for the adult in this to diverge from what they know and create such an improper situation.

Theology
For those atheists out there that would choose not subscribe to the ideal that there is Divinity with an intended design for life, we can only feel sad for them.  If you are correct and there is no Divine, you will never find out that you were right.  But if you are wrong, you are sure to be some what embarrassed and seen as a sadly bitter person for demanding to see the proof and not sensing the subtle influences the Divine has on our lives.  We feel a strong influence in our daily lives, and are very grateful for this loving touch and care that is for our benefit.

Much in the way we see the incredible design and construction of the human body, it leads us to conclude that it was too well designed to just be a fluke; 'survival of the fittest'.  Not that this aspect of nature does not clearly play a big part in this design, but it still leaves holes in the big picture.

'Survival of the fittest' would suggest that any improvement from the old version, is more like a birth defect than anything.  Hence it was better suited to survive the changing elements than it's parents?  we do realize that many people see that to believe in a Higher Purpose is perhaps a rather scary if not just an overly optimistic view, but that seems to us like a good place to be.  It is sad when we loose hope, and leads to the decay of our society.  I find it comforting, and see attraction, no matter how illogical or frustrating, to be a most wondrous sensation still the same.

Why Do We Share All This On-line?
Do you wonder why we take this risk, in being so exposed and bothering to publish these on the web?  See one of our other philosophy web pages: Our Path for a better idea of what we are hoping to gain from all the thousands of hours we have put into these pages.

What does all this mean about how we have lived our life?  I, David was married to a mentally ill woman in a terribly Co-dependant relationship.  She was a pathological liar through all the fourteen years together.  She lied to me in excess of ten thousand times, in major and minor ways.  She continues to perpetuate these lies at the cost of the parenting time I'm able to have with my children.  Through those years I was truthful and faithful to her, and at no time felt at great risk of falling to desires.

When Tia and I met in this lifetime, she too lived the same ethics in her first marriage of twelve years.  We were thrilled to finally be with a mate who shared these high ethics and knew we could finally do this the right way.  The ethics of honor and fidelity mean a lot to us, and we hope to help people to understand and find a workable solution to reach this goal and develop a deep meaningful bond.

Since mid 2000 we have worked publicly in the Swinging community to influence them; offering an alternative to sexual intercourse with others.  We have also worked publicly in the area of those who are adulterous since early 2002 to make a caring influence on how they choose to live their lives, and the effect it has on those in there life without ant religious dogma. Just logical thinking.

We feel there is little gained by simply condemning them for their choices.  Organized Religion has done what they can, but has clearly failed to offer realistic solutions. Instead through their condemnation, they have inspired a break down in communication amongst couples, and dishonesty in the limited ideals of acceptance to real issues we all face.

To read more on our thoughts of addressing some real issues you may be facing in your relationship, but are too afraid to face, click on the next link:

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Art of Open Sensuality

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Back to our Philosophy Pages

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Cool!

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To Copper-By-Design

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dave@jezzball.com