"The Art of Open Sensuality"

A modern guide to careful
exploration of One's expanding
sexuality and sensuality
page #6 of 6

Written by: David & Tia
from October 2000 to February 2005

Oral Sex

We know it really sucks to have to dwell on the issue of safe sex.  Even though most people in the lifestyle seem to believe that oral sex is harmless, and promote this idea strongly, this is simply not true. We agree that the use of condoms, dental damns, and gloves is so complicated that it makes you feel like; why bother?  How crappy is it to have to talk about safe sex issues with new potential playmates.  Shit, what a mood killer!

But if you decide to graduate to oral sex with relative strangers, even if it is perhaps less risky than with intercourse, there is still some degree of risk for sexually transmitted diseases.  Otherwise, the Medical community would not push the use of dental damns, condoms, and even latex gloves for use while participating in oral sex.

If you go to a swingers club it is much more of an issue, since there is a lot of peer pressure not to use any protection for oral sex. Just to kiss a person you meet there means you might as well have had your mouth on the last person they just went down on. It is not uncommon for a couple to have gotten lucky with several other couples that night before they connected with you.

There is still the need to be carefully selective with whom you decide to play with.  Not only to clearly set your personal boundaries before getting started, but to be with those you can trust to respect your wishes. Before things get heated.  It is much harder to say 'slow down' or 'stop' once you are naked, all wound up, and they ask sweetly if they can go down on you.  Or more commonly; just start doing it.  Often times they will not stop to ask.  Too many times this will be the way you will find yourselves giving in and doing things you had not planned to do.  And most usually unprotected all together.

This has happened to us a several times, and a few times we did not have the reserve to say stop!  Each of those times, things did not pan out with those people, and we felt we should have not gone that far with them.  There have even been times where we clearly stated how our boundaries with strangers are to be 'short of oral', but less than 15 minutes into it there is unprotected oral action on us?  I would love to say we have learned our lesson, but that is why we are so harsh here.  Playing safe in the heat of the moment is a lot harder that you might think.

We would like to hope that our intuition is good enough to safe guard us from these kind of people who would not respect our boundaries, yet it is still taking a great chance.  Caution is still wise, even if others think it is over the top.   Several couples have tried to convince us that oral sex is perfectly safe, but the more research we have found simply does not support this myth.  Few people we've met are willing to take the recommended precautions where it comes to oral sex, as it is hardly worth the trouble.  But make no mistake about it, unprotected oral sex is still plenty dangerous.  There are even some diseases you can get even while using barriers.

As an example; many couples will adamantly claim to be 'disease free'.  Talk is cheap.  Their statement could not hold any water. they are quick to make these claims, since they suffer no liability if they are wrong or lied.  You have to ask the question: what hot sexy activity is really worth getting one of the less problematic diseases, let alone to have come down with one of the lethal un-treatable diseases? Where do you draw the line between being so paranoid that your don't interact at all with other couples, or just throw caution to the wind?

Even if this other couple were tested a week ago, AIDS and hepatitis can take a several months to show up in test results.  In this lifestyle you need to resign yourself to the fact you are placing your life in their hands each time.  Hepatitis is said to be 100 times more contagious than AIDS, and can kill you just the same by knocking out your liver.  If sex with a condom will not protect you from Hepatitis or Herpes, why would people think that they can have unprotected oral sex and still be perfectly safe?

Just how common is gingivitis (bleeding gums) amongst our society?  Have you never felt teeth scrape the flesh of your penis?  You will find most people in the lifestyle think oral sex is perfectly safe, and are quick to go into unprotected oral sex with people they just met. It is hard to convince them otherwise.  If you do not establish clear boundaries before hand, it is very hard to say 'stop' in the heat of the moment, after they asked if they can go down on you and just start doing it before you have a chance to answer.
 

Many will even suggest that: "this lifestyle is where you have to accept some calculated risks.  No more foolish than skydiving or bungee jumping".  But would you consider going skydiving without a spare shoot, or bungee jumping with out the normal safety precautions?  What is that kind of statement suppose to mean exactly? Realize this is just slick double talk.  We are not trying to say these are evil people, who are out to hurt you, but they had heard it from others many times before, and they clearly have an agenda.  Without having thought it through or put forth the effort to do the research, they most likely have made themselves believe it to be true.

We are not just trying to scare you off with all this talk of doom.  We just hope that you will consider playing safely if you are going to be playing with strangers, and hopefully not further the spread of incurable diseases like the porn industry seems to promote and now suffers from.

Tips for the Men

Men, we are directing this next comment to you: "Be assertive"! That does not mean be pushy and rude, but also do not act as though you would rather be eating popcorn and watching Monday night Football instead of touching a beautiful woman offering herself to you and your woman, to be touched.  Unless it is stated that the interaction is just 'for the ladies' the other woman involved will expect that you want to touch her and play with her as well.  To hold back with some chivalrous attitude will most likely make her feel undesirable.  If your wife and you have boundaries, then that will need to be discussed prior to any interactions.  From there it would be assumed then that you both would follow the same sort of boundaries.

Keeping the connection going:
Unless you are very virile pile drivers (very rare); another issue you will run into is male performance, and making the woman feel she was not able to turn you on. This is not an issue you will hear much about in the lifestyle, but it is a very common issue. Without the little blue pill, many men will find it hard to get erect because of nervousness, the unfamiliar situation, worries, and visual distractions. Very few men could be a porn star.

Many encounters will end abruptly after the real fun begins.  If you can get past this hurdle, there is the common issue of premature ejaculation, leading again to a lack of erection. You may find out it is all over before she had a chance to get your condom on (no joke). In many encounter you will find that your only option is to be a 'Softswinger'.

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Tips for the Women

Now to the woman in the relationship; do not put upon your man a 'no touch rule' unless you are just arranging 'girl time' only and he is to be just the voyeur.  You cannot expect that you are to be touched by the other woman and her husband, yet put a referendum on your man from touching the other woman.  If you are not prepared for him to interact with her, don’t go into this type of open lifestyle.  Also, these types of boundaries need to be clearly set up between the two couples, not just between you and your man.

You will most likely run into many issues of male performance. Try not to emasculate him by taking it personal. You are not likely to meet your champion in the lifestyle. You will be very lucky if he can perform half as well as your man normally does. If he is not able to perform or looses it early, you can always take your man back right then to have your fun, but this will most likely cause huge resentments later on, if not right then. Even if he seems to be cool with having his fun short circuited, your man will most likely not be able to perform with you as well in these situations, so it would have been for nothing. The night will be toast and you will never be able to face that couple ever again as well.

If you stick with the other man and try to have some other foreplay; there is a chance that tensions could dissolve and he could rediscover his manliness after a while.

What Brought Us to This Sort of Thinking?

Without going into too much detail here, we began our union (in this life time) with the full intention of honesty and complete monogamy.  This was evidenced from our previous relationship of over a dozen years each, as it had been an established and proven aspect for us both in our past relationship (regardless of what our Ex's did).

(see: thebeginning.htm for more details)

Over time past wounds slowly heal and our comfort level advanced.  We were in a healthy and safe environment now, to learned and explore more about ourselves.  Over time, we were able to speak freely about much of our most private thoughts and secret desires.  

We first found enjoyment in frequenting the local nude beach together (weather permitting) It was not only for the no tan lines advantage, but to see and be seen by others.  We also discovered the pleasure of going to a certain nightclub on 'Fetish Night'.  We were more into the fashion than any other fetishes, but this was where dirty dancing was more openly accepted, and we were able to grope one another in public, without getting arrested or kicked out. <LOL>

Then at a Pagan Festival, we enjoyed same room sex with other loving couples in a Tantric Temple that was set-up for adults over 20 years of age.  It was great! There were other couples with in reach, but at no time did we feel at risk of being violated.

She later felt the comfort to share her curiosity about being intimate with another woman.  He was was supportive of her exploration, without expectation of his 'getting some strange'.

She felt she did not want to do any of this without him and knew she wanted him involved in some way, with some carefully thought out limitations.  We agreed that a balance with a couple that is pretty solid in their relationship was a healthier union for the four of us, but of course finding a good match to us is very complicated and near impossible, since we are not your typical couple ourselves.  Besides being unusually articulate in sharing these 300+ web pages with the world, we feel that too many of these adventurous couples place far too much focus on their goal of the 'Big O'.  They have lost the art and splendor of soft gentle caresses and fondling.  We have each other for the more personal and messy spasms we all feverously seek out to our dying days.  The only trouble is that for some odd reason, we seem to be fairly alone in this thinking?

We now have some new very open-minded friends (whether or not we had ever intimately interacted with them), couples and singles who are friendly and more open-minded to our eccentricities.  We also have priceless memories, even if it has been a rough road to travel.

To contact the founders of this web site, click our pictures above

Lady Tia and I at the Leather, Feather, and Lace Ball (8-04)

David's tattoos (2/07)

We also had started a Yahoo interactive group in September of 2000.  Primarily for local area couples.  We did this to create a safe no-pressure atmosphere for couples to meet, where having their choice to not swap partners for sexual intercourse would not be challenged.  That group has been very inactive the last few years, so you will not find any current info there.

It has proven to be a hard sell to adventurous couples over the last few years.  We wanted to even organize gatherings where it would be able to meet others who are like-minded, but so far it has not panned out too well.

Yahoo has not upgraded their interactive software much over the last decade. http://tribe.net is better than Yahoo, but has very slow servers. There are many other pay sites to connect with likeminded couples.

Here is a well written comment about what brings people to this, from our Yahoo group, written by a different man also named David:

Good day to all!

Lady Tia's questions surely are apropos to this group.

The answer is complex for us and not set in stone by any means.

This is my viewpoint from my male perspective. My honey agrees with much but has her own unique view.

We are very much in love and respectful of each others individuality and needs. Marriage or partnering is not an end to the lives we enjoyed before we met. We have always had strong interests and passions regarding many subjects. Sex, passion, exploration and growth are an area that is very rewarding to us when we extend ourselves in this arena.

Our libido and desire have grown as we age rather than diminish. Our conscious decision to explore each others fantasy lives and to make real what is appropriate is an act of love that we extend to each other. In order to pursue any interest, time and effort must be expended in order to receive a desired result. No less so in the sexual area than any other area of life. A willingness to go beyond our limits and to confront our fears has always paid off with greater understanding and a 'larger' life than what it was before. Experience is a great teacher (if you survive the experience :-}~

My attitudes concerning sex (and many other subjects) was founded in my Catholic childhood. As a young adult I rejected the churches teachings on the subject. I found however that my decision did not affect the way I felt about myself and my choices. Shame, guilt, and a narrow (puritanical) focus was the consequence of my actions and thoughts for many years. The teachings of my childhood had irrevocably colored my life. It didn't seem to matter what I did intellectually, my emotions were subject to the judgment of a religious system and philosophy that I did not believe in.

I find that I am much larger than the definition of myself that I lived for most of my life. My wonderful wife has a very healthy interest in sex and did not get the shame load that I did from childhood training. She became the leader in our intimate life. We explored much farther than I was able to do alone. Being supported by her love and respect, I was able to cast off some of my attitudes that I loathed but seemed to be stuck with.

Even so, she is a mid-westerner with lots of 'do's and don'ts' that are stereo typical of her generation and origin. I spent most of my life on the Left Coast and I am far more liberal, educated and experienced in these area's than she. Together we became much more than we were able to be alone. We cherish these and many other things about each other.

I had lots of experience with multiple partners and situations in spite of my childhood training. I became the leader in carrying out those things that we both desired to do because of my willingness to try, try again. We have endeavored to say 'yes' to whatever seemed safe and wise within our relationship.

I have had a lifelong interest in Poly-amory and multiple partner experience. I don't engage in sexual activity easily and the
typical swingers scene was of small interest other than in a titillating way. The fantasy of a swinging lifestyle is intriguing
and exciting though that sort of 'casual' relationship is not really for me.

We have enjoyed a swing club in Phoenix as attendee's but not as participants with other people. We found that it enhanced what we already had and our intimate life was made even better by our exploration and willingness. Although we talked to people in the Swing lifestyle we didn't have any desire to participate in such a casual way. It is difficult enough to find good friends that you do not become intimate with! My experience of life leads me to understand that my passions burn hot and quick. I made many relationship decisions in the heat of the moment that I came to regret. Respect and compassion for myself came to dictate what was and is acceptable behavior.

Some things I learned include; You cannot regain your integrity, once lost it is gone. Giving my word seldom but keeping it when I do is very important to me. I define integrity as saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I learned that I must be true to my nature - when I act in contradiction I pay a heavy price. This is true whether my behavior is sanctioned by my society or is considered 'fringe'. Some of the things I believe and act upon are not part and parcel of the larger context that I inhabit, yet, they are part of who the essential 'me' is. I found that I need to remain true to who I am regardless of the rules of the larger group within reason. To honor myself is an act of integrity. To deny my nature is to reject myself and fall back into the sloppy habits of judgment and dogma that are not mine. To harm myself or others
always seemed a bad idea (unless consensual and desirable for some reason). Harm has always befallen me when I act in ways that are contrary to my integrity.

'Why Soft-Swing' might be considered a gift to us individually and as a couple. We enjoy turning up the volume of our intimate life. We enjoy sharing our interests with other people. We don't think that we know it all, but are certainly willing to learn given the opportunity. We have great curiosity and and we are passionate about our passion. We are determined to maintain our integrity. To act out our fantasies is desirable to us. To jeopardize our relationship is unacceptable.

What we might do in the future will be determined by what we do today. To give time and effort to this arena of life has been very rewarding to us. We wish to continue to grow, learn and participate in life.

We have never acted out with another couple though we desire to do so as the opportunity presents. We welcome the opportunity to open a dialogue with others. We are in no rush to ruin our relationship and will proceed with caution!

That's a small part of my viewpoint. You are welcome to contact me/us by e-mail or on the Board. We welcome your views. Both of us loved reading David and Tia's philosophy pages. We found them to have a sane approach, well thought out and presented. I am much more in line with their thinking than I am opposed. I have read their entire site more than once and shared the URL with others that I thought might be interested. To me, they seem to have preserved the integrity of their relationship and still learn, grow and teach. I admire them!

You will find that I am a member of many Oregon Yahoo groups. This is the only one of this nature that I have spoken in.

David