"The Art of Open Sensuality"

A modern guide to careful
exploration of One's expanding
sexuality and sensuality
page #4 of 6

Written by: David & Tia

[this web site contains sexual content)


What Are Some Advantages To This Alternative Open Relationship Lifestyle?

Many couples consider this alternative lifestyle to allow the wife to explore her desire to be intimate with other women.  Although, if you are feeling pushed into this by your husband, this is likely not for the right reasons, and is very likely to go badly all around. If he truly loves you and derives joy in your happiness and fulfillment, his getting a piece of stranger ass should not be relevant at all.  We have seen this misconception far to frequently (see: The Fantasy of Finding that Single Bi-Female for more details)A healthy balance is best to try and achieve.  If your husband admits that he is not ready to see you with another man, you two are most likely not ready for any of this.

Your choice to participate in soft sensual play should:

(a) bring great excitement into your sex life of course (think of more than just the sexual acts alone).
(b) increase your attraction to your mate.  Perhaps by seeing them through the eyes of another.  Also it is known to be incredibly attractive to see your mate happy and fulfilled. This brings a radiant glow to their countenance.
challenge the two of you in ways you would not have thought of.  This making your bond stronger (assuming your relationship survives these challenges).
(d) remind you of the foreplay that may have been lacking in your relationship.  Since foreplay is all there is to "contact soft-swinging", there will be a lot of renewed focus on what foreplay is for the two of you.
(e) not risk shortening your life, or sex life for that matter, since intimate play short of intercourse has less health risks involved.
(f)   There should not be the need to explain an unexpected pregnancy.

If you find that these interactions are not enhancing your relationship, but instead seems to brings more stress than joy, you two will need to take some time off from seeking outside interactions, or at least adjust how far you will go with other people, and or be more selective whom you interact with.   Always respect your mates comfort level.  But just as importantly; your comfort level needs recognition as well, or this will not work out for the better.

Any relationship has pretty much only two options to it's future: other than continued stagnation, you can either grow closer through a greater understanding of your mates most intimate thoughts, or you can cut your losses and end this hopeless situation.  If you find that the two of you may be at risk of cheating on each other, bringing this together is certainly the wiser option.  You have nothing to loose, if cheating is already in the picture, so you would be a fool not to suggest this as an option to the lies and secrets.  The sooner you deal with this the better.  If you are up for the challenge, it can possibly bring the two of you closer, after having worked through these difficult issues, big and small. 

If it does not seem to add to the love of your mate, you have a lot of talking to do, in order to find out what the issues that had piled up over time are, and take the time to rectify these.  Even if that means to discontinue any interaction with others until you both want this in your life for the right reasons.  That should be perfectly OK.  It may take a great deal of time, but don't be so impatient and take what ever time is needed to fully get through this and get in a good space with your mate.  For if you don't, things are likely to get worse and possible cause such irreparable damage that your relationship is doomed.

But mind you, this is not likely to be an easy road to travel.  If you hope to rescue your marriage, it may be the only way, since continuing with your head in the sand is not a healthy condition.  If children are in the picture, what would you be teaching them?
(a) That they need to stay in a bad relationship for the kids sake, no matter how miserable they may be?
(b) That your relationship was only an illusion, and they really had no role model to work off for their future relationships?

We know that the idea of telling them about what you are into is a scary proposition to say the least, and we always need to be mindful of what is age appropriate.  We should never suggest that this is the only correct option for relationships of the future, but it is healthy to let them know what kind of options are out there, or real issues that they may face with all the information that is available these days, such as open relationships and bi-sexuality.  we can all stick our heads in the sand, but that will not help them face their future, when you may have valuable information to share.

What Are Some Common Disadvantages To This Alternative Lifestyle?

Your choice to participate in this can be very costly beyond the issues mentioned above:

(a) Lots of wasted time trying to find a suitable match.  Sometimes a hundred hours or more on just one attempted connection.
(b) Lots of rejection without any explanation, or the chance to solve a possible misunderstanding.  If you say one wrong thing, communication often simply evaporates.
(c) Many moments of hurt feelings between the two of you, that needs to be resolved before your next attempted encounter.
(d) If you get lucky, there is the fear of disease spreading.
(e) During the encounter, constant nervousness, waiting for the other shoe to drop, so it is nearly impossible to really relax and just have a good time.
(f) Impotency or the female equivalence is a very common problem, even if you are not normally prone to this issue.  Excessively aggressive behavior of others, apparent lack of interest of others, nerves, and distractions will add a substantial difficulty to your performance or interest.
(g) The other couple may lie about a multitude of relevant issues in order to score, and there for you may pay a heavy price later on.
(h) The other couple may not respect your boundaries, knowing it is really hard to stop thing once things get going and heated.
(i) More unexplained rejection after the fact, when you had thought you four made a real positive connection.
(j) The multitude of emotional scars you may suffer going down this road.


There may be more, but I trust that you get the point here.  If you have these kind of experiences and can think of more disadvantages, or advantages for this web site, feel free to e-mail us to share your thoughts.  We are not just working to turn people off to this alternative, but if it is not too late, you certainly need to evaluate if these costs and risks are worth the advantages.  We can only hope that these pages might help you with your life's choices.  We know that we cannot save you, and you need to follow what ever your life path is.

Here is a very well written statement about the use of condoms by a woman who should know this issue better than most; a long time prostitute who has run an on-line service for providers for several years:

Legend has it that condoms take away from an experience. Some people say they are impersonal or ruin the moment. Well, I don’t believe that is true at all.
Think about this with me. You meet a provider at the door. She is wearing something that is just enough to make your eyes wander her body, cleavage to dive into and a warm and inviting smile. A drink, a little conversation and some flirting. Maybe a little footsie and fondling and off you go to her private space to introduce your more personal parts to each other. The clothes begin making their way to new temporary homes on the floor or end of the bed. Breathing becomes heavier and sensations begin to swirl all around you both. She nudges you down onto her bed, nibbling on your lower lip and neck. She begins rubbing her parts on your parts and slowly she slips a raincoat on around your manhood.
Now, before you start thinking, here we go again, consider this for a moment:
She has just said without speaking a word, “I care about you, your health, your well being and our time together. I respect that you have a life outside of this small amount of time we have and I want the time we are together to be as carefree and wonderfully sexual as possible with no regrets.”
She has just expressed that you are literally the most important thing to her right this very moment. Can you get any better than that? I don’t think so!
She proceeds to slip her mouth around you and the hour or two slips away through erotic and sensual bliss. You leave, having had a tongue tingling goodbye kiss planted firmly on your lips with a sweet whisper of hope you will return soon, walking on the clouds and wondering if you can actually perform your future life duties for the rest of the day without cracking a smile or allowing your mind to continually wander back to your time with her.
By her playing safe, she did not take anything away from you, she added to the experience by acknowledging that your well being and safety is important to her. There is nothing impersonal about it, considering that in the real world only long standing couples who are bestowed to each other go without protection and you know you do not want that responsibility for her in your life. She has given you permission to be the naughty, yummy and sexually free person you desired to be with her. It didn’t ruin the moment because honestly, you barely felt her put it on. She was much too busy getting to the good stuff rather than explain in 5 languages why you need one of those.
Most reflection of sexual and sensual fantasy is in the mind. If you stimulate that part of the brain, your body is there with or without a condom and better to be safe than sorry any day.
Any man who respects my safety and cares enough for me to honor my body with being a safe player is a turn on. He will get a hundred percent of me every time he is with me. He will get the best I have to give and the respect that only he can draw from me because of his concern for me. He will leave knowing the naughty me and I will watch him go with thoughts of our next encounter to come.

What preparation are needed

Your Profile:
One good way is to starts with your Yahoo profile page on the Internet. We are fortunate to have this type of on-line community at our disposal.  We see that many people do not take the time to submit a picture.  Heck, many of them do not even bother to fill it out.  Shit, half of them have no information at all.  No reason to contact them.  It will certainly keep couples from wanting to initially contact them.  Many of the people you contact over IM will first look at your profile before starting to chat, and if it does not say much, it is an immediate turn off!

Please take the time to fill out all the information it asks for, and post a clear picture of the two of you together. A simple head shot is best.  You need not post any nude shots.  There is plenty of time to exchange those kind of picture after you have begun a dialog.  It will also save you a great deal of embarrassment if your profile is found by an associate of your that did not know of your kinky side. You really do not need to spell out on your profile what type of hot action you are seeking.  When the right type of people have come across your profile from a Yahoo group that is a part of this life style, they already have an idea what you are into.  You can get into all the details as you get to know each other.

If you are members of our Yahoo Club, and this information is not filled in, we will not approve your membership, or remove you from our roster.  If we have to remove you twice, we will ban you, and you will not be able to rejoin under that handle again.  We intend to keep this free of singles, since to remain within your set boundaries, doing this with something other than a close and loving couple like you, places you at risk.

If you are not within a reasonable driving distance from a couple you are approaching, you need to be willing and able to travel to there home or City to meet with them.  When you are the one to contact another couple, you are not to assume that they are going to be willing to travel to see you.  This places you at the disadvantage, and it would be rude to even ask for them to drive far to see you.


The Search:
Find on-line Groups that cater to your needs and desires.  There are thousands of clubs out there with a variety of topics.  Once you have selected a group, scan through the listings of profiles of the membership base in that group for people you may like to contact.  You will not get far if you wait for other couples to search you out.  Be sure to have downloaded the Yahoo messenger program and install it.  If you don't, they may respond to you, but you will not receive their message. It would seem as though you are ignoring them.

Post messages to that group, so people get to know what you are all about.  Placing a personal ad is fine, but not nearly as classy as just getting involved in the threads of topics that come up.  Respond to each e-mail and messages you receive from couples in a timely manner.  If you blow off a couple you don't think you are interested in, they may be friends with other couples that you may be interested in, and you would have generated a bad reputation amongst these people in that group.

Besides the temporary glitches in Yahoo's system, Yahoo is great for having set all this up for us to use, and they went to a lot of trouble to make it easy to use.


Your Pics:
You really should have some good clear digital photos on the profile, or at least have them ready to send them out over the Net, once you have established that this is a couple you may want to meet.  Don't approach people before you are prepared.  They need not be nude pics.  It is a bit suspicious if a couple were to demands to see you nude before even meeting.  You may find that you are just chatting with some single dude that is just scoring amateur pics, and knows very well that you will never meet.  There are whole Yahoo groups out there with the theme of finding amateur porn in people's Yahoo profiles, with 50,000+ members.  No joke!

A nice clear head shot of the two of you posted on the profile is highly recommended.  Going to have your picture taken by a professional is a very good investment.  It need not be too fancy of a photo shoot.  Just try the Glamour Shots at your local mall, and scan in the small proofs. Then, set up a briefcase off of your profile page to store more digital photos of you in the full body shots.  This is still not the right place for nude pictures either, even if you are willing to show them to these strangers.  You can set up a private folder for these if you wish, where you have to give access to only those you want to see them. 


First Contact:
Send a short message to the couples that seem to interest you, and wait for their response.  This may take a while, since they may not be on-line at that time, and even if it shows them to be on-line, they may have DSL or a cable modem that it logged on all the time, and they may not be sitting right there at their desk.  It could be days, even months before they open there Yahoo Messenger program and get back to you.

If you expect other couples to just come out of the woodwork and contact you, you would have to post some very hot or graphic pictures, and a tantilizing bio.  But you will have to sort them out of the 10 to 20 lonely single men to each couple that may contact you.  It will get very annoying quite fast.  We speak from experience here.  We tend to get over a hundred IMs each month from single dudes trying to get in her panties.  It is far too over whelming to sort through and focus on even one of them.  No one has the time to chat up all the guys out there that you are likely to encounter.  You would do well to have a shortcut on your desktop to bring up a text file that has common responses, so you can give a canned reply to these ravenous guys. It will save you a lot of time.  Or of course you can just ignore them, but they may come back over and over again, seeking you out.  They are a determined bunch.  It is especially annoying when they do not have the decency to fill out their Yahoo profile. They often will not even take the time to read your profile before contacting you?  

Getting to Know a Couple:
While chatting with a desirable couple over the Internet, it is most beneficial to only do it with your mate present as a cohesive team.  Both should take the initiative to communicate with this other couple.  You will find it rare that the wife is active in this communication.  This is somewhat suspect, and should be approached with caution.  If your primary partner cannot be there and follow along, save the chats to show them later, and make sure they read them.  It is important to be on the same page every step of the way, so that they understand how things had progressed where it has.  It is bad to make the other couple have to repeat themselves later on with your partner.  If their partner was not able to be present during the chat, you would do well to remind them to save their chats off as well.

Work towards developing the comfort to graduate the conversations to a phone call.  This will usually be the next step before meeting.  Try to set up a speakerphone, or two phones in a private area.  This way the two of you can chat with this other couple rather candidly.  If you are unable to flirt with them over the Net or on the phone, a meeting may be a waste of time, as the conversation may be somewhat stifled.  Heavy flirting will be a good sign that you might be ready to meet face to face.  You will need to establish that there is a real attraction to this other couple, and that you intend it to go further with them.  If not, breaking the ice may be very difficult, and little may happen between the four of you.  The Net is a good environment to flirt with some abandon, while keeping it pretty anonymous, that is just in case things don't work out.

If you can imagine in your mind, you start a connection with a couple whom you find that you are not compatible with (much like an Ex-spouse of yours), you may be in a position where you feel obligated to play with them in ways you would rather not. So use this time to establish whether your personalities are compatible.  It is not going to be a good scene if you are with them in a very private setting, and you then discover that they are not a match.  Don't rush the process.  There is already a high chance that they will seem quite different than you had imagined, when you finally meet them in person.  Do every thing you can to sniff this out.

It may seem like dating all over again, because it is. This dating will be much more complicated now, since all four of you need to have some attraction to each other, not to mention being able to get along.  If you do not establish a friendship with the other couple, you are not likely to weather even the mildest of storms, and it is very likely to be a short lived relationship.  That is a lot of effort down the tubes for so little 'action', but try to enjoy the process, or you will most likely burn out soon.

That is unless you are the "fuck'n-run type"? If you are the one-night-stand type of people, why are you in a long term relationship?  We feel there is little to gain by playing with couples that we do not care for.  Intimacy is a more sacred thing for us, but it is of course your choice.  If you do not go too far with those you encounter, you have less to regret later when things don't work out.


Meeting them:
Set up a meeting at a very public place like dinner, dancing, a movie, etc. You should not set out to play on the first date.  It is important to have some space from the pressure of the meeting, to talk it over with your primary mate in private, well after meeting them.  It is so that both of you have a chance to be on the same page.  It is very important that you both like the other couple.  It also lets the other couple do the same.  You should not take offense if the other couple has a change of heart about you, and bails on continuing this tryst.  It would not be good to force some play that is destined to go bad.

When arranging a sensual encounter, try to set up your expectations and boundaries with this couple clearly beforehand.  Most any couple you meet will seem to be very understanding and patient with your comfort level and boundaries, but expect that in the heat of the moment that they may test your boundaries.  Especially when they are much more experienced than you, they will happily abide what you set as your boundaries, but they know in the moment it is hard to find your voice and say that you are not cool with where things are going.  In ten short minutes you can suddenly find that you are now full-swingers, and it may take you a year of therapy to work it out with your mate, that is if your relationship survives it at all.

It is wise to adhere to the comfort level of the person with the most reservations to avoid later fall-out.  This way, all needs are respected and cared for.  Pay special care that not even subtle intimidations are perceived by your mate, or the other couple.  For you will pay heavily for it later.  We understand the temptation to just go for it, but looking toward the long-term success of your friendship is important, and the relationship of your primary partner is to be paramount.  Take it easy, so if there are any regrets, it is a lot easier to forgive what happened if you did not take things so far.  I cannot hardly stress this enough.  You are handling a time bomb in some regards.  That is unless you are a super intelligent human like the master mind for Mission Impossible, who can predict any possible outcome from your actions.

When getting intimate, start off with simple things, like hot tubing together in the nude. In later encounters you might try out just same room sex.  If you are both wanting to go into contact soft-swinging with this couple, simply taking turns getting a body rub down from the other three can be quite stimulating and erotic, while keeping it low pressure and somewhat casual.  Then perhaps ending that evening with the same room sex after you are all worked up.

While oral sex is very exciting and rewarding, do keep in mind that oral sex is not risk free. It is wise to only go into oral sex with another couple only after you have gotten to know them very well and developed a level of trust.  But you will find that other couples will go down on you at the drop of a hat during your very first encounter, without the slightest thought to safety barriers, as though it is completely risk free.  They may even try to convince you of this.  It has happened to us.  Do not kid yourself about oral sex equals safe sex.  Hepatitis is a deadly disease that you can contract from just french-kissing.  Would you know if they have gingivitis?  You are not even suppose to share tooth brushes for safe health.

If you decide to go into oral sex with a special couple, you may even want to make a pact with them to only engage in oral sex between the four of you to reduce these risks?  And that if any of you do explore oral sex with outside couples, to tell about it before being that intimate with them again.  This way you all have the chance to choose if you want to risk it again.  Good honest communication is essential to this working out, as well as staying alive and safe.  We wish things were different, but wishing or ignorance will not change the facts of life.  Here are just a few links to STD web sites: www.herpes.org, www.afraidtoask.com/STD/, depts.washington.edu/wswstd/,

How to Meet People

On to a more pleasant topic:  When we first ventured into this, we were more active, but we have not patronized the Ace of Hearts (a local swingers club) more than once in 2002, as the club seems to be dieing off.  We tried out New Horizons just North of Seattle in October and again in January, and would say that it is well worth the drive and extra $.  It is a fun and dynamic place to be with your mate, and have a great time playing erotically, just the two of you in a semi-public place.  As long as you are not expecting Swingers to look like hot ass strippers, there is some great eye candy that is not to be seen at any other places in the NW.  They are just real people like you; , young, old, slim, and fat, attractive or not.  There is a wide range.  I would not say that you can stereo-type Swingers.

If you are not into casual sexual encounters with relative strangers, it is not a good place to be on a first date with another couple, as the energy there is a little too charged and pressured to do something more than just talk.  A Swingers Club is not the kind of place you want to take a nice couple that you have grown to like.  You would be much happier getting a nice clean motel room for that kind of money, that is if you are not able to invite them home with you, because of your children or neighbors.  Some times you are able to go to their place, which is likely to be much nicer than a motel room.  We have special guests over on some of our weekends the kids are with the Ex, but that is for people we have gotten to know.

We are not into swapping for intercourse (as you may have gathered here), but you will find that this is more the rarity.  Many couples may appear to be on the same track as you, that is to take things slow and careful.  But they are often looking for much more, and as soon as possible, only careful not to scare you off that is.  The moment they get too pushy, they know they have lost.  Stand your ground and be assertive about what you are wanting from a relationship with them.  Do not let them be your teachers in this lifestyle, as they are not trained professionals, and do not know what is best for the two of you.  If your marriage happens to break up because of your interaction with them, it is little to no skin off their back.

On-line connections are certainly a safer way to hook up with couples open to this alternative lifestyle.  It will take thousands of hours of effort to make worthwhile connections with good couples to be intimate with.  There are many different avenues to an on-line search: Lifestyle Lounge, Softswing.com, Adult Friends Finder, Sexy Ads, Bi-finders, etc.  .  Many web sites will want to pick your pocket though.  Lifestyle Lounge, seems to have the best set up that we have seen, and no, we do not get kickbacks for referring you to these web sites.  Yahoo does seem to have a nice set-up that allows you to access target groups for free (like our Group), but you will be inundated by ads galore.  Simply speaking, you get what you pay for.  MSN also has a system, but it is not so well implemented, and you still have the ads.



Making the connection:
One of the more frustrating aspects for us has been the fact that people are so flighty.  You say one wrong thing, and they are history, and not a word as to why.  It is not like your primary relationship; where you have to work through your issues, big and small.  Try not be more like that with other couples.  Do not blow them off at the drop of a hat.  Try to be honest with them if things are not panning for you.  Maybe there was a simple misunderstanding that you could work out?  But if they do not know what is bothering you, there is no chance for a resolution.

If you manage to make it this far it is a small miracle. Then trying to set a time to meet where both women are not PMSing or menstruating is another hurdle.

This lifestyle will not be easy to try out and stick with.  We are all human and have our flaws.  You will not meet people that will make no mistakes, unless they are not being very real with you and have been doing this so long that they know all the right things to say and do.  You cannot change other couples from being flakes, but you can try yourself to be better than all that, and set a good example.  If you are not able to learn to stick it out with any couples, you will not see much pan out for you.  They may appreciate the effort you put into this in working through these glitches.  And Hell, you just might get lucky enough to develop a life long friendship, even if it does not to continue as an intimate relationship.

Keeping the connection going:
Unless both men are very virile pile drivers (very rare); another issue of stamina you will run into is male performance. This is not an issue you will hear much about in the lifestyle, but it is a very common issue. Whether or not you can perform, you will have little to no control with the other male being too small or not able to perform. They are not likely to share this info with you before the clothes are off. Even then they may lie about it. Without the little blue pill many men will find it hard to get erect because of nervousness, the unfamiliar situation, worries, and visual distractions. Very few men could be a porn star.

Many encounters will end abruptly after the real fun begins.  If you can get past this hurdle, there is the common issue of premature ejaculation, leading again to a lack of erection. You may be waiting to see that your wife is getting into it, and then find out it is over before you had a chance to get your condom on (no joke). In many encounter you will find that your only option is to be a 'Softswinger'.



Click on the group below to go onto Page #5 if you dare!



Quick links to the different topics on this subject:

Page #1
Our Mission Statement

Sexual Desire
Relationship Healing Solutions

Page #2
Why Should We Consider Any of This?
Are You Ready for Any of This?
Monogamy As a Reality?
What is Soft-Swinging or Soft-Polyamory?
Ethics & Honesty
Working Out Your Issues

Page #3
Communication, Communication, Communication
Your Boundaries and Comfort Levels
Setting the Boundaries
Essential Criteria

Page #4 (this page)
What Are Some Advantages to This Lifestyle?
What Are Some Common Disadvantages?

What Preparation Are Needed
How to Meet People

Page #5
The Fantasy of Finding that Single Bi-Female
What Kind of Couples are We Likely Encounter?
Dealing with Full-Swingers
Behavior During an Interaction

Page #6
Oral Sex
Tips for the Men  &  Tips for the Women
Having and Using Your Voice
What Brought Us to This Sort of Thinking?





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