"The Art of Open Sensuality"

A modern guide to careful
exploration of One's expanding
sexuality and sensuality
page #28 of 30

Written by: David & Tia
from October 2000 to June 2004

What Brought Us to This Sort of Thinking?

Without going into too much detail here, we began our union (in this life time) with the full intention of honesty and complete monogamy.  This was evidenced from our previous relationship of over a dozen years each, as it had been an established and proven aspect for us both in our past relationship (regardless of what our Ex's did).

(see: thebeginning.htm for more details)

Over time past wounds slowly heal and our comfort level advanced.  We were in a healthy and safe environment now, to learned and explore more about ourselves.  Over time, we were able to speak freely about much of our most private thoughts and secret desires.  

We first found enjoyment in frequenting the local nude beach together (weather permitting) It was not only for the no tan lines advantage, but to see and be seen by others.  We also discovered the pleasure of going to a certain nightclub on 'Fetish Night'.  We were more into the fashion than any other fetishes, but this was where dirty dancing was more openly accepted, and we were able to grope one another in public, without getting arrested or kicked out. <LOL>

Then at a Pagan Festival, we enjoyed same room sex with other loving couples in a Tantric Temple that was set-up for adults over 20 years of age.  It was great! There were other couples with in reach, but at no time did we feel at risk of being violated.

She later felt the comfort to share her curiosity about being intimate with another woman.  He was was supportive of her exploration, without expectation of his 'getting some strange'.

She felt she did not want to do any of this without him and knew she wanted him involved in some way, with some carefully thought out limitations.  We agreed that a balance with a couple that is pretty solid in their relationship was a healthier union for the four of us, but of course finding a good match to us is very complicated and near impossible, since we are not your typical couple ourselves.  Besides being unusually articulate in sharing these 300+ web pages with the world, we feel that too many of these adventurous couples place far too much focus on their goal of the 'Big O'.  They have lost the art and splendor of soft gentle caresses and fondling.  We have each other for the more personal and messy spasms we all feverously seek out to our dieing days.  The only trouble is that for some odd reason, we seem to be fairly alone in this thinking?

We now have some new very open-minded friends (whether or not we had ever intimately interacted with them), couples and singles who are friendly and more open-minded to our eccentricities.  We also have priceless memories, even if it has been a rough road to travel.

To contact the founders of this web site, click our pictures above

Lady Tia and I at the Leather, Feather, and Lace Ball (8-04)

David's tattoos (2/07)

We also had started a Yahoo interactive group in September of 2000.  Primarily for our local area couples.  We did this to create a safe no-pressure atmosphere for couples to meet, where having their choice to not swap partners for sexual intercourse would not be challenged.  You first must have a filled out Yahoo profile to join, or we will deny your application without a second thought.

It has proven to be a hard sell to adventurous couples over the last few years.  We wanted to even organize gatherings where it would be able to meet others who are like-minded, but so far it has not panned out too well.

Yahoo has not upgraded their interactive software much over the years, but http://tribe.net has shown to now be leagues beyond Yahoo in their web site development for the purpose of these sort of interactive groups. Fill out a profile for free, and add several digital photos and begin to explore it for yourself.

Here is a well written comment about what brings people to this, from our Yahoo group, written by a different man also named David:

Good day to all!

Lady Tia's questions surely are apropos to this group.

The answer is complex for us and not set in stone by any means.

This is my viewpoint from my male perspective. My honey agrees with much but has her own unique view.

We are very much in love and respectful of each others individuality and needs. Marriage or partnering is not an end to the lives we enjoyed before we met. We have always had strong interests and passions regarding many subjects. Sex, passion, exploration and growth are an area that is very rewarding to us when we extend ourselves in this arena.

Our libido and desire have grown as we age rather than diminish. Our conscious decision to explore each others fantasy lives and to make real what is appropriate is an act of love that we extend to each other. In order to pursue any interest, time and effort must be expended in order to receive a desired result. No less so in the sexual area than any other area of life. A willingness to go beyond our limits and to confront our fears has always paid off with greater understanding and a 'larger' life than what it was before. Experience is a great teacher (if you survive the experience :-}~

My attitudes concerning sex (and many other subjects) was founded in my Catholic childhood. As a young adult I rejected the churches teachings on the subject. I found however that my decision did not affect the way I felt about myself and my choices. Shame, guilt, and a narrow (puritanical) focus was the consequence of my actions and thoughts for many years. The teachings of my childhood had irrevocably colored my life. It didn't seem to matter what I did intellectually, my emotions were subject to the judgment of a religious system and philosophy that I did not believe in.

I find that I am much larger than the definition of myself that I lived for most of my life. My wonderful wife has a very healthy interest in sex and did not get the shame load that I did from childhood training. She became the leader in our intimate life. We explored much farther than I was able to do alone. Being supported by her love and respect, I was able to cast off some of my attitudes that I loathed but seemed to be stuck with.

Even so, she is a mid-westerner with lots of 'do's and don'ts' that are stereo typical of her generation and origin. I spent most of my life on the Left Coast and I am far more liberal, educated and experienced in these area's than she. Together we became much more than we were able to be alone. We cherish these and many other things about each other.

I had lots of experience with multiple partners and situations in spite of my childhood training. I became the leader in carrying out those things that we both desired to do because of my willingness to try, try again. We have endeavored to say 'yes' to whatever seemed safe and wise within our relationship.

I have had a lifelong interest in Poly-amory and multiple partner experience. I don't engage in sexual activity easily and the
typical swingers scene was of small interest other than in a titillating way. The fantasy of a swinging lifestyle is intriguing
and exciting though that sort of 'casual' relationship is not really for me.

We have enjoyed a swing club in Phoenix as attendee's but not as participants with other people. We found that it enhanced what we already had and our intimate life was made even better by our exploration and willingness. Although we talked to people in the Swing lifestyle we didn't have any desire to participate in such a casual way. It is difficult enough to find good friends that you do not become intimate with! My experience of life leads me to understand that my passions burn hot and quick. I made many relationship decisions in the heat of the moment that I came to regret. Respect and compassion for myself came to dictate what was and is acceptable behavior.

Some things I learned include; You cannot regain your integrity, once lost it is gone. Giving my word seldom but keeping it when I do is very important to me. I define integrity as saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I learned that I must be true to my nature - when I act in contradiction I pay a heavy price. This is true whether my behavior is sanctioned by my society or is considered 'fringe'. Some of the things I believe and act upon are not part and parcel of the larger context that I inhabit, yet, they are part of who the essential 'me' is. I found that I need to remain true to who I am regardless of the rules of the larger group within reason. To honor myself is an act of integrity. To deny my nature is to reject myself and fall back into the sloppy habits of judgment and dogma that are not mine. To harm myself or others
always seemed a bad idea (unless consensual and desirable for some reason). Harm has always befallen me when I act in ways that are contrary to my integrity.

'Why Soft-Swing' might be considered a gift to us individually and as a couple. We enjoy turning up the volume of our intimate life. We enjoy sharing our interests with other people. We don't think that we know it all, but are certainly willing to learn given the opportunity. We have great curiosity and and we are passionate about our passion. We are determined to maintain our integrity. To act out our fantasies is desirable to us. To jeopardize our relationship is unacceptable.

What we might do in the future will be determined by what we do today. To give time and effort to this arena of life has been very rewarding to us. We wish to continue to grow, learn and participate in life.

We have never acted out with another couple though we desire to do so as the opportunity presents. We welcome the opportunity to open a dialogue with others. We are in no rush to ruin our relationship and will proceed with caution!

That's a small part of my viewpoint. You are welcome to contact me/us by e-mail or on the Board. We welcome your views. Both of us loved reading David and Tia's philosophy pages. We found them to have a sane approach, well thought out and presented. I am much more in line with their thinking than I am opposed. I have read their entire site more than once and shared the URL with others that I thought might be interested. To me, they seem to have preserved the integrity of their relationship and still learn, grow and teach. I admire them!

You will find that I am a member of many Oregon Yahoo groups. This is the only one of this nature that I have spoken in.

David