The Art of Opening Sensuality Page #7

Working Out Your Issues

Working out any issues that come up between you as they arise will make the progression into this lifestyle a lot slower, as it will take a great deal of time and patience to sort out all of these issues. Not working things out will have at least one person left with the feeling of being dragged into this, and make them and eventually you miserable. This slow pace may be very frustrating, but it will be for the best in the long run, as leaving these issues unresolved will have them pile up to unmanageable proportions.

Even if this means that you never get around to playing with other people, it is better than the cost of your marriage. It is believed that this sort of experiences are not for couples who have a good deal of marital problems. Instead of solving anything, it is likely to unhinge what little you had. If this means bringing in a professional Marriage Counselor, this is one step you best not side-step. Many swinger couples we have seen, this becomes their sex life. You need to maintain genuine passion in your relationship. Read Robert Sachs book 'The Passionate Budda'.

Perhaps PMS is not a curse after all? Maybe it's the Divine's design to get couples to work out even the small issues. During that time of the month, even the small issues will seem unbearable, compelling us to face them. Try thinking of it as the impetus to flesh out all the little stuff we would other wise bury for lack of importance. It may only seem like a small pebble, but a thousand small pebbles can be quite the burden to carry around with you day by day. If we stop fighting the process, and approach it with love, patience, and compassion, we can start each month with a fresh clean slate. Try not to be so rushed into this lifestyle. So many people we have seen feel they need to have some sort of quota to meet in order to feel they are really doing this, and or it begins to become an addiction (trust us, we've been there). Watch out for the signs of getting too carried away, spending several hours each night chatting up couples on-line. Don't forget your life that you worked so hard to build, and think 'quality' not 'quantity'.

It is common for couples to take years to work out the details, and find a compatible couple to be intimate with, if at all. You can always jump into some quick encounters a lot sooner, being all the more reason to do this with tight boundaries. There are those couples out there who are also addicted, but it will be short lived, one, maybe two encounters and they will tire of you.

It will be a learning experience to say the least. Allowing time in between these encounters to carefully evaluate the experience and how you both are with it. Try to not set up a timeline for yourselves or feel like failures because you have not had enough "encounters". There is no rule to be followed or quotas to be filled.

It has been observed that this exploration tends to have a life span of around 2 years or so for many couples. Rushing into this, and not taking the time to be on the same page together will surely be a disaster. It is also easy to become jaded from what you may find in this lifestyle, since many couples you will encounter do not have their 'shit together' and may have very poor communication skills and relationship maintenance skills. Allow yourselves any amount of time you need, even if it means taking months off from any more searching for that compatible couples.

There are many different motivations that lead couples into exploring this lifestyle:

(A) One of the most common reasons you will find (if not your reason); is that the female of the couple is either fully aware of her Bi-sexual tendencies, or she is very curious as to what it is like to be with another woman intimately. If she is to act on it, this obviously opens up the door from the ideals of monogamy. Even though it is not a desire to be with another man, it is still involving another person into your relationship. This will affect your relationship, even if his involvement is minimal. It is also common to see the male of this couple want to be sexually involved, but not ready to see his gal with another man that she could be hot for. So this couple advertises that they are looking for a mythical creature, that virtually does not exist (see: The Fantasy of Finding that Single Bi-Female). If this is you, you are most likely far from ready for this sort of activity. Even though you may see nearly half of the couples advertise this to be their goal, that does not mean they are finding it, nor that they should. They still have some serious issues to work through.

(B) Couples may have failed monogamy, where one or both were found cheating. It is true that opening up to swinging together may be a better alternative to the lies they were living, but would you want to be the object of pay back for someone's indiscretions? Perhaps therapy and recovering their relationship first is more in line. Then maybe proceed because you are both on the same page together and both desire to be involved with other partners.

(C) Some couples have found their sex life in the toilet, and they are doing this to bring spice back into their lives. It often becomes their sex life. The likelihood that they will become bored and complacent with you in short order as well, is relatively high. Or worse yet, if this were not the case, and they find that you fill their missing needs, even if you do not reciprocate that intension to take things further. It could easily cause the break up of relationships.

These are a few of the obstacles you may face, like walking through a minefield of emotions. No matter how detached you may be in all this, that does not mean that the other people are so easily able to separate their emotions from this intimacy. Few people have a good grasp of the meaning of 'Love', let alone the genuine application in their lives. Even the dictionary seems clueless. It refers to attraction, or fondness. I would say that most philosophers and psychologists (who are not thinking with their little brain) believe we are a long ways away from this sort of evolution as a society. It was not so long ago that we still supported the Jim Crow Laws of segregation here in the USA, and women could not vote. In the early sixties, we no sooner began to shift our social consciousness, and many felt we were ready for the 'Free Love Sexual Revolution' as well.

What is your definition of love? Take some time now to talk this over before reading on. Don't peek...........

There is certainly attraction, which is a fascinating subject all on its own, but has little to do with love. How can you love someone you hardly know? Most people seem to think that the way you would have love of a child is completely different than the love of your mate. Aside from the sex of course, why does it need to be any different? With a child, you derive personal joy to see them succeed, thrive, find fulfillment, and happiness. if you truly love your mate, you will find the same motivations, and want to encourage them to find fulfillment, even if it does not involve you. You want to see them so happy that you see them glow. We should never think we own this other person and they are obligated to be with us. Those types of motivations may work in keeping this person close to us, but it is a hollow victory. Do you have no self esteem? This possessiveness is destructive to a relationship. Our attitude needs to be that we are grateful that this person we call lover continues to desire to hang with us. If not, we can see about doing things that inspire our lovers attentions. If you are instead seeking new attractions outside your relationship, show you have not mastered this, and it is likely to fail just a badly. You need to master the aspects of your relationship skills, before you are ready to spread it around, or all you are spreading is more dysfunctional relationships.

We feel it is best to have established that you can make a success of your primary relationship before seeking to broaden your horizons and take on more relationship dynamics in your life. As to your primary relationship, few would debate that maintaining a good healthy relationship with just one person is more difficult than to maintain a Driver's license. So the closer equivalent would be more like maintaining a Pilot's license? It would go to show that good relationship and conflict resolution skills would require most people to go through some form of comprehensive education. So to enter into broadening your sexual horizons like this would be more like getting and maintaining an Astronaut's license? We feel this 'lifestyle' needs to be taken much more seriously than most people seem to take it, or you might as well take your Marriage certificate, set it under your car tire and BURN RUBBER!

Also, try to seek out the motivations of those couples you are getting to know, to see if they are doing this for the right reasons as well, and have the relationship skills needed. Many people will be able to talk the talk, but look for the clues. It is a terrible shame, but you cannot simply trust what people will say to you through the courtship process.

As an example; many couples will adamantly claim to be disease free, but talk is cheap. That really mean nothing. Even if they were tested a week ago, AIDS can take a good 6 months to show up in tests. In this lifestyle you need to be cool with the fact you are placing your life in their hands each time. Hepatitis is said to be 100 times more contagious than AIDS and can kill you just the same. It knocks out your liver. If condoms will not protect you, why would people think that they can have unprotected oral sex and be safe? How common is gingivitis (bleeding gums)? You will find there are plenty of people who think oral sex is not dangerous, and are quick to go into oral with people they just met. If you do not establish clear boundaries with other couples before hand, it is very hard to say 'no' in the heat of the moment when they ask if they can go down on you, if they even ask at all. Trust me on this one!

It is best to keep the lines of communication open, and be open to these lifestyle options. This does not mean that just because you are open to it, that you must make something happen. Being open to keep up the line of communication with you mate, so you have a better idea of what is going on in your mates head is where it's at. Try to relax and take it easy with all the excitement of living out your fantasies. There is no reason you need to enact all of them, some may be better left as fantasies. Many of them may not be practical at all. To actually fulfill your fantasy, it needs to have the factors in place for it being a good situation for all parties involved (and it being legal).

It is easy to get caught up in the drama of it all. This can even become addictive if not handled well. It also is likely to make you less attractive to other couples if you seem so frantic to make a sensual interaction happen between the four of you. It is likely to scare them off. There is a fine line between assertively letting them know you are interested, as opposed to appearing pushy and desperate.

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