The Art of Opening Sensuality Page #2

Why Should We Consider Any of This?

Especially through the 1960's, many efforts to find 'free love' were made. But many also found that a truly rewarding relationship does not come so free of devotion and complication. It takes investment to have a relationship that has deep roots to last throughout harsh storms. With our fear driven modern society from the Aids epidemic, people began to invest more stock in monogamy again, but still felt that they are naturally loving creatures with much to give. They have a natural desire to reach out and touch others. We in the western civilization have a way of seeing care equated with our sexuality, and visa-versa. We get love mixed up with attraction, but they need not have anything to do with each other. We can be attracted to someone we know is a jerk and not good for us. Someone we could never find it in our hearts to love. And of course you can meet a great person, who you have a great admiration for, but there may not be any attraction, or chemistry between you.

(If this is not clear to you, perhaps you are confused as to the definition of 'love'? Think for a moment on how you would define 'love' and how it would impact your life and the lives around you. Take a moment to write it down. Then read on.)

This has led to much confusion with for people. Fear of monogamous relationships, let alone multiple relationship abounds. We as a culture have a difficult time cultivating relationships that are purely platonic, let alone have any true intimacy, with or without sex.

In our search for vitality and life, many seek sexual intimacy with others, thinking this will fill our void. Sadly, it rarely does, as it lacks the elements of a true connection that we find ourselves the need to seek out. We as humans seek connection, not just physically. We are not individual entities that will flourish all alone.

As a result, we have become a stilted society, unsure of how to relate to each other and lacking true relationship skills. Communication in a pure and honest manner seems far from our reality. We are often not even able to talk honestly to our mates about who we really are, let alone the sexual fantasies and feelings we may have. Many people feel sharing such thoughts is the same as a need to fulfill them and act them out. This fear keeps us from creating a safe place for our partner to freely share these private thoughts. If we are not able to speak freely with our mate, how are we suppose to ever talk and be real with our friends or neighbors, let alone our relatives? We still need to experience physical contact with others for the health of our emotional spirit, yet few of us do not feel stifled and yearning. Which clearly shows us that something is still lacking.

Yes, in the Sixties (and still today), there are many who would pervert the higher ideal of what some special authors were trying to express in several of their forward thinking books, like: Stranger in a Strange Land, The Harrad Experiment, Proposition 31. As opposed to the authors, Their motivations were more about getting laid, instead of the lofty goals they speak of with all those smooth lines of creating a better society for a more positive future. There are still those individuals to beware of. They should be easy to spot, in where there seems so much focus on the open sex, and less focus on any form of learning to love, healthy disciplines to employ, or true intimacy and relationship skills? The primary focus should be on cultivating your relationship with yourself. After working to master that, then your relationship with your beloved (if you have an SO), or to properly cultivate a relationship with a special person, so you can master those relationship skills. Later to this is relating to and developing a genuine caring for others outside your primary relationship. Perhaps developing the freedom to explore a degree of sensual expression from there, but the health and viability of your existing relationship should be encouraged and celebrated. Not made to feel bad, like you are being incestuous by not mingling more with the group, separately.

Ask yourself this: 'have you ever been there for some of your friends in a time of need, but feel no-one was there for you in your time of need?' You need to be concerned with the needs of your primary relationship first and foremost, but also consider that when bringing others into your relationship; you need to treat them as real people as well. They will have real emotions to be dealt with, past issues, relatives, friends, and maybe even kids. You would not want to be taken advantage of, then discarded like old rubbish would you? You need to not do the same to others.

It would not be healthy for our society as a whole, and is damaging to you as well. That is one reason to think through the connections you make with other people and the impact you create in their lives. To casually create bonds with others without responsibility is careless and potentially harmful.

As to your primary relationship, using a metaphor: few would debate that maintaining a good healthy relationship with just one person is more difficult than to maintain one's driver's license. So a closer equivalent would be more like maintaining a pilot's license? It would stand to reason then that serious education and counseling to learn good relationship and conflict resolution skills should be mandatory in public Schools. Before unprepared couples dive into a marriage and try to learn the hard way, and wind up screwing up their children, perpetuating this cycle of abuse.

So to enter into broadening your sexual horizons like with an open lifestyle would be more like achieving and maintaining an Astronaut's License!?! It seems reasonable that all these people need to be required to go through some comprehensive form of continuing education and extensive on going counseling before they should be allowed to apply for their license to have such a complicated lifestyle. We feel this 'lifestyle' needs to be taken much more seriously than almost all the people we've met seem to think it takes. They might as well take their Marriage Certificate, set it under their car tire and BURN RUBBER!

Another aspect to keep mindful in your possible exploration into this sort of open lifestyle; is the dangers of contracting a serious disease. We are all well aware of the potential threat of such serious life threatening illness's as AIDS, but we must consider the ever present epidemic of diseases like the five mutated strains of Hepatitis. It is considered far more contagious and more deadly than AIDS, even if it has not gotten the press that AIDS has. To explore our sexual side with such wild abandon can not only rob us of a long and healthy life, but that of those we care most about as well, besides the grave disruption to their lives.

Ask yourselves a few questions first. Many of us have goals in our lives that differ greatly from the goals of others. We have different desires, drives and backgrounds than other fully capable people have, as do they from you. You may find your mate has a different set of goals, and may have a good deal of difficulty expressing them.

Here is the questions:
(a) What is your reason for attempting open sensuality, while maintaining monogamy in your relationship?
(b) what are our short and long term goals for our involvement in this lifestyle?
(c) do you and your mate have the same goal?
(d) If not, are they at least compatible goals?

Some couples have the desire to add spice in their sex life, to keep things from getting too mundane. Live on the edge every once in a while. This does not necessarily mean that they desire to always be a part of the 'lifestyle', and thus may not really develop lasting friendships in it. They look for those that interest them for the moments they desire to explore. They are all about riding the wild roller coaster, then getting off to go home when they are done. Similar to sky diving or bungee jumping.

Another goal couples go into this with is to find others like themselves. 'Are there other people that think and feel like we do? People we can share our thoughts with on an equal footing.?' These people are looking for themselves, as in a search for the Holy Grail that will give them validation of their own existence so to speak. They may feel like they have difficulty finding others that can intellectually stimulate them as well as finding them physically attractive. They hopefully feel like they found that with their mate, and so they may wonder; could there be more out there as well? They may physically interact with others, but may feel disappointed in the quality, and probably have turned down far more people than they have interacted with. They may find the couple that seems to fits their goals, yet does the other couple have similar goals.

And yet another common goal of couples is the desire to broaden their friendship base, with possible options. These couples begin with a relationship that may be based one a physical attraction with clearly open minded couples, that could develop into more. Yet commonly, after they have met with another couple, played, and become friends, they may find the physical interactions become more rare. The friendship becomes truly what they were looking for. A friendship that is open to all subjects of discussion and also feels a little sly. Why is that? Well, because they all know were it could go. That titillation is used as the spark that keeps them all orbiting and flirting with each other as friends. Perhaps if they were to fly into physical interactions more regularly at first, the entire flame would burn out much sooner, and no meaningful relationship would have developed? This would have robbed these people with this goal from getting what they desired: a connection and friendship they can count on.

Many more types of goals exist, these are but a few of the prominently observed ones we have seen, and many different combinations of them exist. It is important for the couple to look at themselves both individually and together to see why they are doing this. They may also need to re-evaluate these goals from time to time, because chances are they will evolve and change shape as experiences happen.

Some couples may feel like a failure in this open lifestyle, and then need to re-evaluate whether they should be doing this at all:
'What do other couples think of us?'
'No one seems to want to be with us?'
'We can’t seem to do this right?'

But here is another question:
'Who is doing it right?'
'What is the right way?'

Are you and your mate remaining true to yourselves? Are you enjoying the ride you are on more than in the past? If these are yes answers, then you are most likely on the right path to your goal. Remember, even though a goal is where you hope to end up, don’t forget the journey along the way is often the best part. You may find that you are glad you never reached your naive goal? True it may not be easy, and you may encounter many obstacles along the way. Keep looking it over and if your goal is sound, move ahead together and take the paths you chose. But allow for needed deviation and mistakes, as you cannot hardly imagine where this may take you.

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